If you could write Private Eye this week, what would be your topic?

Paula Saltas: Septic bursitis and how underpaid I am for being John Saltas’ private nurse.

Rachel Piper: “The recent resurgence of Agatha Christie in current popular television programming: A theoretical approach.”

Scott Renshaw: “John Saltas-written columns in this space: Urban myth?”

Bryan Mannos: Something old, something new, something neat, something Greek.

Cody Winget: Maybe Harmon Killebrew or the weather. Can’t decide—the death of one of the greatest athletes of all time, or the annoyingly inconsistent phenomenon that’s threatening flooding and just plain ruining my desire to be outside.

Dan Nailen: The underrepresentation of the Irish in ownership of Salt Lake City alt-weeklies. Or “Why BYU sucks.”

Susan Kruithof: How words last. I just read a book that made me muse about the distant future and how someone might know about me 300 years from now.  

Jeff Reese: How shocked I am that in at least three states, it is now illegal to record any on-duty police officer.

Jerre Wroble: A critique of Arnold Schwarzenegger: The terminator of trust, and Maria Shriver: a journalist oblivious to a household staffer giving birth to her husband’s baby. He only confesses after he steps away from politics and has no further use for his Kennedy-pedigreed wife. Could something like this happen in Utah? Has it?

Nick Clark: Butterflies and beer. Because I like butterflies and beer.