Secretary of State Mike Pompeo speaking to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman: Hey, good buddy, how are you and the wives doing?
Prince: Actually, it hasn't been a very good couple of weeks for any of us. The hubbub over Jamal Khashoggi's disappearance is really a royal—excuse the double entendre—pain in the ass. We've tried to be totally transparent—making it crystal-clear that he left our consulate in Istanbul only minutes after obtaining his marriage documents. Yet, too many people are stuck with the notion that there must be James Bond-style international intrigue. So any fingers or heads discovered at our consulate would be fake news; same for the 15 tourists with bone saws.
Pompeo: (laughing) Yeah, people can't get excited about anything that simple. But, my friend, there is that problem of the rolling security cameras, and that's going to have to be dealt with.
Prince: Oh, yes, I know. There should have been security camera evidence of Khashoggi leaving, but my people have found a five-minute pause in coverage that was caused by a computer glitch. Obviously, he left the embassy during that unfortunate gap. Oh, how I wish the system had functioned properly.
Pompeo: Well, my friend, before we get down to the nitty gritty, I'd like to assure you that President Trump has the highest respect for you and the royal family, and he's authorized me to cut you a deal—one that would ensure no evidence will be found that implicates your government. For only 1 percent of our next arms deal—deposited, of course, in a numbered Swiss account—Donald has agreed to be the fixer. (Of course, you can never mention any money changing hands. It would surely make you look bad, since Donald is known for his honesty and would categorically deny it.) By the way, we've set up a GoFundMe website to help him pay his $500 million in inheritance taxes.
Prince: What can I say; I really love that man. You know, he and I think very much alike. Neither of us gets our noses bent out of shape by the mere disappearance of one, insignificant journalist. I know a lot of people worshipped Jamal, but whoever killed him did us all a favor. Good governments can't survive if the press is allowed to speak freely, and Khashoggi was making me very upset. It is probably only a happy coincidence that some rogue killer or common mugger might have taken his life.
Pompeo: Yessir! You nailed that one. Truthful journalists are a scourge that need to be dealt with, and Trump is fully aware that people like Khashoggi need to be stopped. If you'd be interested, our own Fox News is at your disposal to help you bury vicious attacks from unauthorized sources. As you know, the system works so well for us; we'd like to share our best resources with our friends. Additionally, the president has offered to lend you Sarah Huckabee Sanders until this furor is appropriately swept under a (Turkish) rug.
Prince: Glad you see it that way, but I guess we're going to have to come up with a plan to derail the possibility of a credible investigation. Could we borrow a couple of your best filmmakers to launch an effective public relations ploy?
Pompeo: Well, you know, most U.S. filmmakers are Democrats and won't want to come out on the side of state-authorized killings, so I think we'll have to consult the Russians. Sorry, I noticed you frowned during my last sentence, and rightly so. I seem to have had a temporary lapse in my dishonesty, and that's a real no-no.
Prince: No problem; we all make an occasional mistake. By the way, has Trump said anything about trading Melania for the oil well? He seemed pretty hot on the idea last time we talked. You know, I've had a fixation on her ever since our little romp when she worked for that escort service in Italy. Sure, it's a long time ago, but I drool every time I see her on TV.
Pompeo: I've never heard about that one, buddy, but I know Donald's been unhappy that she doesn't have a high IQ like his. He lamented to me just a day ago, "I want a wife that can offer me more than looks; Melania's a total failure when it comes to interesting conversation. She hasn't even mastered the simple sentence I told her to memorize: 'Donald, you're so hot and so incredibly intelligent.' She'll never learn it because she's too busy changing her facial expressions in the mirror. I like smart women, and frankly, I'd rather be married to Sarah or Kellyanne." And that's pretty much verbatim.
Prince: Well, remind Donald about it when you see him. But, Mike, the most pressing issue is the arms deal. How can we kill off Yemeni families, if we don't have U.S. aircraft and bombs?
Pompeo: I guess we've covered it all. You'll have your arms, Melania and vindication in the Khashoggi matter. You know your part. Let's shake on it.
(They shake hands and meeting is adjourned.)
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