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News » Deep End

Proud Neanderthals

Belligerence is in their DNA.



The news that everybody except Africans have Neanderthal blood is causing shock waves around the world. In case you missed this latest jolt to human pride, last week a team of biologists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany, announced that approximately 1 to 4 percent of the non-African human genome is made up of DNA from homo neanderthalensis.

Here in the USA, the Neanderthal news has been the cause of jubilation for at least one very prominent group of patriots whose life mission is to take America back from the uppity African “non-American” in the White House. The group in question is the Birthers, who have absolute knowledge that the upstart Barack Obama was born in Kenya, Africa.

“I don’t want to say I told you so, but that’s what I’m gonna do,” said Herb Weisbrot, vice president of the Neanderthal Anti-Defamation League at a hastily arranged press conference at the Republican state convention this past Saturday. “I Told You So. This proves that not only is this Obama guy non-American, he’s also nonhuman. We’ve known for years that Africans are not human like the rest of us, and now we have DNA to prove it.”

Mr. Weisbrot went on to say that it won’t be long before the human genome is shown to be 100 percent Neanderthal, thus confirming the once discredited theory of Orthogenetics propounded by Henry Osborn in the 19th century.

“When they found the first Neanderthal man just outside Dusseldorf in 1856, Professor Osborn immediately recognized that the bones—a skull cap, two femurs, and a few ribs—belonged to Adam, the first man who ever lived on the face of the Earth. I remember when I was a schoolboy and saw the photo in my history book of Neanderthal Man. A wave of recognition washed over me. I felt just like I was looking into a mirror.”

Mr. Weisbrot pounded the table for emphasis, and then picked up one of many pamphlets stacked in front of him.

“See this?” he said, waving it at the crowd. He held it steady long enough for a few people in the front row to read the title: Out of Africa? You’re Out of Your Mind! “I wrote this all by myself. It’s just a bunch of hooey that human beings came out of Africa 100,000 years or however long ago it was, according to the so-called scientists. How did we all get so white? The truth is, everyone except Africans and all other colored folks come from the Neanderthal Man, who is really Adam, who was born just about 4,000 B.C., give or take a few years.”

Mr. Weisbrot passed out another pamphlet, called Our Proud Neanderthal Heritage.

“I hope you take some time to thumb through this and study the physiognomy of some of our distinguished Neanderthals. There’s a kind of belligerence that shines through. Glenn, Rush, Sean—all of them— have that characteristic and well-earned look of indignant stupidity. Even the gals! Sarah and that Coulter broad have the same mean look. It’s my theory that deep in their DNA is the Second Amendment gene that made our Neanderthal forefathers such great white hunters.

“We was always fighters, not talkers, as our former president used to say. That’s why some of our greatest Neanderthal leaders, like George Bush, stumble over their words, as opposed to liberal non-Neanderthals, like the smooth-talking African Muslim from Africa who now illegally occupies the White House. Scientists say it’s because of the FOXP2 gene that homo erectus folks have and we Neanderthals don’t have. But what about Fox News? They may not have slick talkers, but they sure have some foxy Neanderthal babes giving headlines.

“And that’s another thing. I’ve never been comfortable calling myself a homo erectus, even though some of my best friends tell me I’m a hard-on.”

Someone in the crowd, probably a non-Neanderthal, asked Mr. Weisbrot about whether illegal aliens were non- Neanderthals.

“It’s my understanding that scientists are now hard at work on the illegal alien genome, and preliminary reports indicate that they are an off-shoot from the Neanderthal line, or the heritage of Adam. Once we have their DNA, we can keep America for Americans, the purest of the Neanderthal race. I’ve always thought it was an insult to God to be accepting of all peoples, since he clearly made people different colors, shapes and sizes so we could tell immediately who were God’s people and those who were not.”