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Quotas Can Be Hell



Seems to me that most religions are fascinated with dead people or people who are going to be dead, which is pretty much all of us. Many religions and the countless denominations within those religions seem like real-estate companies competing to sell afterlife real estate.

“Sign with us and you’ll be guaranteed virgins in the next world.” “No, don’t listen to them, we’ve got a better offer. With our plan, you’ll have your own planet and multiple wives.” “But our group has a better entertainment package. In our plan, you can dance all over God’s heaven.” “Sorry, our group thinks dancing is a sin on earth, so we surely wouldn’t offer it as part of our eternal plan.” “I think you’ll like our offer better. We not only allow ceremonial dancing, but there will be plenty of grazing land for buffaloes.”

As in any sales organization, when sales are down, sales people revert to negative, fear-based tactics just to meet their quotas. “Go with that group, and you’ll burn in hell for ever and ever and ever. And by the way, don’t say that we didn’t warn you.” This sales pitch is almost as scary as the opposite: “Be baptized into our group, and you’ll be in close proximity to all your relatives for ever and ever and ever.”

“You mean I’d have to be there with my brother-in-law who scammed me out of all my life savings with his cockamamie multilevel marketing plan to sell grapefruit-seed extract to the people of Somalia?”

“Yep, as long as he asked for forgiveness and was re-baptized and saved.”

“How about my ex-wife, who made the 24 years I was married to her a living hell?”

“Yeah, same thing. If she was baptized and cried a lot in front of the congregation, she’ll be in heaven along with you and your brother-in-law.”

“So, basically, your standards aren’t even as high as the local country club?”

“But sir, in our LDS organization, we can bring you into our group even after you’re dead.”

“But what if I was a lifetime practicing Hindu, Southern Baptist, Muslim, Jewish, agnostic or atheist?”

“It won’t be a problem, sir.”

“But what if I don’t want this to ever happen?”

“We will baptize you by proxy. You see, we just have to have someone—well, actually anyone—who thinks that you’d be better off in the Celestial Kingdom. Then we’ll have teenagers who have nothing better to do after school or on weekends to be waterboarded (er, dunked) in your behalf. You know about teenagers and hygiene. Sometimes this may be their only bath all week.”

“Do you realize how creepy and zombie-like this all sounds?’

“Sir, we know this to be true.”

“Sure, whatever. Have a nice day, elders.”