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Real Housewives of Point of the Mountain

The completely unnecessary news analysis



Some people just have all the good luck. Take a look, for example, at Jen Shah, star of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. It just so happens her favorite color is orange. That's great because Shah could face time in the joint after allegedly scamming millions from old people. According to authorities, this housewife's splashy lifestyle came from a vast telemarketing scheme that defrauded hundreds of seniors over a decade. There's a chance she could be rocking a jumpsuit—but sans the boa, heels and diamonds. No eyelash extensions, either. Bummer. And no doubt this will be a challenge for the writers of the show, because truth can really screw things up: Unreal Housewives at the Point of the Mountain? It's fitting that Shah said this to Access Hollywood about her riches: "The best way to describe it is I'm the 'Wizard of Oz.' I'm like the one behind the curtain that nobody knows exists, but I'm the one making everything happen." Speaking of curtains, the show looks to be over for this "entrepreneur." On the bright side, she can have lively discussions with all the new 'housewives' she might meet in B Block. And with all her spare time she could write a book: The Real Education of Jen Shah. Just think of the book deal and movie rights. Is this a great country or what?

Never Say 'Infrastructure' in Mixed Company
A grouchy and grizzled Salt Lake Tribune editor once said, never use the word "infrastructure," because nobody knows what infrastructure is, he growled. It could be roads or bridges or sidewalks or toilets or lord-knows-what. Nonetheless, his devious reporters tried every which way to sneak "infrastructure" into their stories when he went to coffee or the men's room. Funny thing, now Republicans in Congress have taken this advice to heart. They don't want to hear the word "infrastructure" because —get this—it's socialist. Who knew? Roads and bridges and sidewalks are socialistic contrivances financed with public taxes designed to serve the public. Well, you can see right there how terrifying this whole infrastructure business can get. It's little wonder that Utah Congressman Burgess Owens (or is it Owen Burgess?) believes we're living in a dictatorship—in a free country we wouldn't have to worry about such things. Before the current dictator, this country was so free that our infrastructure just kept crumbling. The way things were going, we would be as free as Turkmenistan. True conservatives want toll roads, toll sidewalks and toll toilets. That way, the market would take care of everything without help from people like Vladimir Ilyich Biden.

Matt Gaetz Seeks Séance With Jeffrey Epstein
Ghislaine Maxwell insists she never induced high school girls to get naked with Matt Gaetz. But the Florida congressman may name Maxwell as the medium he sought to put him in touch with Jeffrey Epstein, whose spirit continues to float around Florida hotel swimming pools. As it turns out, the upstart congressman from the Sunshine State and the late billionaire womanizer (or should we say teenizer) have something in common—Donald J. Trump. What is it they say about birds of a feather? Nonetheless, a spokesman said Donald J. Trump doesn't know anyone named Jeffrey Epstein or Matt Gaetz, despite all the fake news photos. Maxwell is being held on charges of sex trafficking of children that were victims of Epstein, who was found dead in a Manhattan jail cell in 2019. Nonetheless, sources close to Florida hotel swimming pools say they heard somewhere that Gaetz was seeking a séance with the spirit of Epstein in order to get some, uh, pointers. Unfortunately, Maxwell's latest court motion didn't convince a federal judge to grant her bail, which, in turn, put a real damper on the séance. That's sad because Epstein could use the company, and Gaetz needs all the help he can get—although he's completely innocent.

Postscript—That's it for another historic week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of all the bad news so you don't have to get so damned depressed. And lookit, there was a bunch of good news this past week: the Easter Bunny came; Matt Gaetz didn't come (no pun intended); the Swedes canceled an experiment that would cut off sunlight to Earth to reduce global warming (talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water); and Amazon officials apologized for saying their employees don't pee in bottles because "time off tasks" can result in discipline (the CDC says touching Amazon packages is probably OK). Among the historic events of the week was the procession of 22 ancient Egyptian royal mummies in Cairo—18 kings and four queens. The Pharaohs' Golden Parade, made up of gigantic floats that looked like ancient boats, sailed the mummies from a museum where they had rested for decades to the new National Museum of Egyptian Civilization. Smart Bomb sources reveal that organizers of the Days of '47 Parade watched and wondered how to work mummies into Utah's big July 24 Celebration. Where's Brigham buried anyway?

Well, Wilson, the mummy parade is a hard act to follow. So maybe we should just skip that and go for the float boats. Can you and the guys in the band dredge up something apropos to help us sail into next week:

If I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
And if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat
And we could all together
Go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony on my boat

If I were Roy Rogers
I'd sure enough be single
I couldn't bring myself to marrying old Dale
It'd just be me and Trigger
We'd go riding through them movies
Then we'd buy a boat and on the sea we'd sail

The mystery masked man was smart
He got himself a Tonto
'Cause Tonto did the dirty work for free
But Tonto he was smarter
And one day said kemo sabe
Kiss my ass I bought a boat
I'm going out to sea...

"If I Had A Boat"—Lyle Lovett