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News » Opinion

Republicans: Breaking Bad

The completely unnecessary news analysis

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We have a Second Amendment right to carry guns wherever we want, and if you don't like it, we'll shoot your ass off. Those weren't the exact words of newly minted Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, but damned close. As a freshman Republican lawmaker and a QAnon stormtrooper, she is in the unique position of being able to tell House Republican leader Kevin McCarthy where the bear shits—because she and her fellow Q-Trumpians are the bear. Hoping to prop up his sagging libido, McCarthy beat a path to Mar-a-Lago to assure the Once and Future King that the House Minority Leader still loves to kiss his big, pink fanny. So what if Trump told all those patriots to storm the Capitol and trash our democracy. Putting him on trial for sedition would be divisive and vindictive, according to 45 Republican senators, who are now—like it or not—abetting that Jan. 6 coalition of white nationalists and thugs. Nevertheless, said Princeton professor Eddie Glaude Jr., Trump didn't start this neofascism, he was just "vomited up" by the Republican Party. The GOP, he said, now resembles the New Redeemers who seized control of the South after Reconstruction to enforce white supremacy. "They were willing to throw democracy in the trash bin." Sound familiar? It's a Grand Old Party.

Burgess Owens Comes to Jesus (or Not)
"Hey, you liberals, remember all that stuff I said, like you were a bunch of Marxist and socialists? Well, I gotta take that back on account of I just learned the difference between the quiche-and-white-wine set and those borsht-eaters over in Russia. After the Jan. 6 insurrection, us newbie Republicans got some 'sensitivity' training. The big boys said, 'OK, Burgess, don't go throwing Molotov cocktails because our corporate donors are drying up—they think we're all with QAnon.' But I told 'em, 'Hey, just because I snuggled up to the Q-ers during the campaign doesn't mean I'm really one of them. I don't even have one of their cool Q T-shirts.'"

On the 4th District congressman's recent visit to the Utah Legislature, Rep. Suzanne Harrison, a Sandy Democrat, gave Burgess a big smile and said, "I really appreciate that, but I also feel like it's in contrast to the tenor and tone that you've taken on cable TV shows or in your book, which is titled, Liberalism or How to Turn Good Men into Whiners, Weenies and Wimps."

"Oh, don't worry," Burgess retorted, "I've changed. I even believe Joe Biden is president. I know, me and Chris Stewart voted against certifying his victory, but we had to or we'd get on Trump's shit list. Remember, Mia Love? Nobody even knows where she's buried."

Guns and Abortion—Groundhog Day in Utah
OK, Wilson, how do you tell when the Utah Legislature is in session? No, it's not because alcohol sales go up, although that's probably true. You can always tell when Republicans get together to one up each other on Capitol Hill because all you hear is guns, guns, guns and fetuses, fetuses, fetuses. During this week of Groundhog Day, righteous Republicans want to do away with concealed carry permits so any "good guy" can carry a Glock under his coat and—bonus— no firearms training would be required. Feel safer, moms? Live free or die. And speaking of living free, women should not have control over their own bodies, but since Roe v. Wade is still the law of the land, this proposed legislation would wake their villainous hearts. Women seeking an abortion would have to watch an online presentation with "medically accurate" images of an abortion. But that ain't all. Under penalty of perjury, they would have to sign an affidavit swearing they did saw it. But this is not to shame them—oh no. The bill's sponsor, Republican Rep. Steve Christiansen, can't understand why anyone would complain about fully informing people before any medical procedure—or why women don't know what the hell they're doing. Thanks, Bishop Christiansen.

Postscript—Some of the guys in the band think Punxsutawney Phil doesn't know his derriere from a hole in the ground. You know the drill: If the sun is shining when Phil sticks his nose out of his burrow on Feb. 2, he'll be frightened by his own shadow and retreat into the proverbial hole in the ground, spelling six more weeks of winter. But good ol' Phil is in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, which has nothing to do with weather in Utah. But the Indians who named Timpanogos knew that Groundhog Day was important because it signaled the time when the days would begin to grow longer at a faster pace. Of course, they didn't call it Groundhog Day. According to the staff here at Smart Bomb, the Piutes called it "tasha tgal cuberant"—when daylight grows. (OK, we made that up, but it sounds good.) But get this: Feb. 1 and 2 make up the pagan holiday Imbolc that's based in Celtic tradition and marks the halfway point between winter solstice and the spring equinox. (It's a fact.) And although it originated in Neolithic Northern Ireland and Scotland, it continues to be celebrated by Wiccans and witches. And if you think that's cool, wait 'till we get to Easter. It'll be better than groundhogs and bunnies. Groundhogs and bunnies? WTF.

OK, Wilson, you and your pagan-lovin' band must have something to help us celebrate Imbolc, but please, no bagpipes:

Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
And wouldn't you love to love her?
Takes to the sky like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover?
All your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Will you ever win?

She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness
She rules her life like a fine skylark
And when the sky is starless
All your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Will you ever win?
Will you ever win?

"Rhiannon"—Fleetwood Mac

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