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Resolution Redistribution

Eight adjustments (already) to your New Year’s resolutions.

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Eight adjustments (already) to your New Year’s resolutions:

8. “Lose weight” adjusted to “Make fatter friends.”

7. “Quit smoking” adjusted to “Only smoke when drinking. Or awake.”

6. “Get out of debt” adjusted to “Look into that Witness Relocation Program.”

5. “Quit drinking” adjusted to “Maybe only beer with breakfast.”

4. “Volunteer to help the indigent” adjusted to “Compliment a Juggalo’s dreads.”

3. “Get out of dead-end job” adjusted to “Look into that Witness Relocation Program.”

2. “Go back to school” adjusted to “Pick up more drunk college girls.”

1. “Spend more time with family” adjusted to “I forgot—my family sucks.”

Bill Frost

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