Eight ways not to begin the cover letter for your latest resume:
8. “While typing in MonsterBadonks.com, I accidentally clicked your job listing on Monster and figured, ‘What the hell?’ ”
7. “You may be familiar with my work as the bassist for Counting Crows.”
6. “Let me gauge your paradigm on this: The acceptable number of cocktails before noon is ___.”
5. “I’m sure you’ll be very impressed with my Klout ranking.”
4. “First things first: I’ll need at least an hour free every day to devote to my falconry.”
3. “I prefer cash under the table—no way my hell-bitch ex-wife is getting another cut.”
2. “You may be familiar with my work as ‘Turtle’ on the show Entourage.”
1. “I firmly believe newspapers are poised for a rebound …”