Righteous Mikey Shoots the Moon | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Righteous Mikey Shoots the Moon

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



What would you do if you were auditioning for a seat on the U.S. Supreme Court under the darting eyes of Donald Trump? You could attack Google and social media. That's it. Good conservatives know those techie giants are too damned liberal. Oh wait, what a coincidence, Utah Sen. Mikey Lee recently raged against Google, Facebook and Twitter for their left-leaning commie ways. As Mikey knows, anything that isn't ultra-conservative must be that of leftist moral relativists. They're lurking in every corner. Yes, even within the purview of The LDS Church. And so, Mikey demanded church leaders sell KSL.com because ... wait for it ... it's too damned liberal! Yikes! When KSL is too liberal, you know something is seriously askew. Maybe that's why an earthquake knocked Moroni off his temple perch. It's a warning, people. And here's the proof: kiddie porn. That's right, Netflix's streaming of Cuties, the poignant Sundance-winning film of an 11-year-old Senegalese immigrant girl caught between a Muslim upbringing and French culture, is what Mikey called an insidious display of raw flesh. Shooting the moon, he exclaimed, "[I]t might encourage the sexual exploitation of young girls by adults." Reality can be so sick. Hey Mikey, next, maybe you can go after those heinous women's rights baby killers.

Why Some Republicans Can't Vote for Trump
Is your head spinning from all of Trump's scandals? Need a diagram? Downplaying COVID-19. Calling fallen soldiers "suckers" and "losers." White House interference with CDC reports. It just goes on and on. But here's something you can relate to: "Republican Voters Against Trump" (RVAT) put out an 11-minute video listing 113 reasons they could not back the president. Not to be outdone, the staff here at Smart Bomb added its own list, too. Here we go:

RVAT: 1. He's a racist. 2. He's a sexual predator. 3. He promotes hate and divisiveness. 4. He pushes nationalism and xenophobia. 5. And increased the national debt.

Smart Bomb: 1. Cheats at golf. 2. Thinks Fox's Jeanine Pirro is cute. 3. Eats Big Macs in bed 4. Thinks Jared is a cool. 5. Never laughs.

RVAT: 6. Started a trade war with China and raised tariffs. 7. Alienated our allies. 8. Praises dictators. 9. Denies climate change. 10. Defunded the World Health Organization.

Smart Bomb: 6. Winks at Jeffrey Epstein's pimp, Ghislaine Maxwell. 7. Loves Russian military parades. 8. Tweets on the toilet. 9. Can't take a joke. 10. And wants to grope Ivanka.

And there's a lot more. For the complete Republican Voters Against Trump (RVAT) list and video visit: https://youtu.be/QGz3QgsCisY

Department of Homeland Security and the Cheshire Cat
"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date," sang then-National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice to counterterrorism czar Richard Clarke when he tried to warn her of intelligence on Al-Qaeda signaling what would become 9/11. Oops. In the aftermath, the newly awakened Bush administration put together a behemoth known as the Department of Homeland Security to coordinate intelligence on terrorist threats both foreign and domestic so we'd never go down the rabbit hole again. But recently, DHS senior appointed officials went behind the looking glass to instruct subordinates to distort intelligence and play down white supremacist terrorist threats and Russian election interference while exaggerating Antifa activities to reflect President Trump's positions and keep him from looking bad. And the Cheshire Cat appeared: "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad. ... or you wouldn't have come here." Whistleblower and former DHS official Brian Murphy's allegations point to The Mad Hatter's continued attempts to use U.S. intelligence services for his own political ends. But Sarah Matthews, a White House spokeswoman, said DHS brass "never sought to dictate the intelligence community's focus on threats to the integrity of our elections or on any other topic." The Cheshire Cat reappeared: "I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours." So true. And by the way, the pandemic is no more serious than a cold.

Postscript—Well, things are pretty messed up, and we're all going to hell in a handbasket. Of course, Wilson and the band don't care. Since the Republican National Convention, they've been on a steady diet of ecstasy and Cheetos, and no matter what you tell them, they say, "Love is the answer" and "Where's the Heineken?" Everyone else, though, is in a bad mood except the homeless people because they don't get much news. Well, that's one way to avoid Tucker Carlson. Right-wingers say they are patriots but hate the government. Lefties are pissed that Congress keeps making the rich richer and wants working people to quit screwing themselves. But it's hard to pay attention when Trump and what's left of the Republican Party spread disinformation and confusion. Get this: Utah Republican Burgess Owens, who is running against Congressman Ben McAdams in the 4th District, said the Democratic Party is led by "narcissists and sociopaths" who "have no empathy for anyone else." Maybe he thinks he's running against Trump. And by the way, Owens has links to QAnon. True story. QAnon loves Trump, and Trump loves them back because they hate all the pedophiles running the government and child sex rings in New York pizza joints. And one other thing: If Biden is elected, Antifa will come to your house and have a barbecue on your patio and invite Black Lives Matter, and they'll probably serve ribs—but no Heineken—only Bud Light. As Rudyard Kipling wrote: If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you ... you're probably not paying attention.

Well, Wilson, since you and guys are in such a good mood, why not play us out with something uplifting for the marvelous week ahead:

Just got home from Illinois, lock the front door, oh boy!
Got to sit down, take a rest on the porch.
Imagination sets in, pretty soon I'm singin',
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door.

There's a giant doing cartwheels, a statue wearin' high heels.
Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn.
A dinosaur Victrola listenin' to Buck Owens.
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door.

Tambourines and elephants are playing in the band.
Won't you take a ride on the flyin' spoon?
Doo, doo doo.
Bother me tomorrow, today, I'll buy no sorrows.<
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door.

"Lookin' Out My Back Door"—John Fogerty, Creedence Clearwater Revival

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