Here we go, it’s almost 2002 and time to make those New Year’s resolutions before the big ball in Times Square drops on Dick Clark. Here at Smartbomb, the staff has been diligently putting together our resolutions—not for ourselves, of course, but for those who really need them:
For Gov. Mike Leavitt, our resolution is: Strap a pair on, buddy. Don’t let the Legislature kick you around like that. Show ‘em whose boss. Forget ratings, there’s no way you’ll get elected to a fourth term.
For City Councilwoman Nancy Saxton: Strap a pair on, buddy. Don’t let Rocky Anderson kick you around like that. Show him whose boss. Forget ratings, there’s no way you’ll be re-elected.
For Mayor Rocky Anderson, our resolution is: Double nightly sleep time from one to two hours. Chill. Take police course in politeness so histrionics are scaled back to par with Nasty Nancy. Search everyone’s bags entering City Hall—particularly Nancy’s.
For Karl Malone: Get raise—$17 million isn’t enough. Accuse Olympics of being big money corporate sell-outs.
For House Speaker Marty Stephens: Get new hairpiece, old one looks too much like Leavitt’s. Practice looking thoughtful and sincere. Stop letting on that you’re smarter than everybody.
For County Councilman Randy Horiuchi: Continue to push zoning changes for Hermes and Boyer Co. and other fat-cat developers.
For County Mayor Nancy Workman: Increase mirror time for practice on looking engaged and on top of it. Keep saying, ‘We’re cutting taxes, we’re cutting taxes.’
For Larry H. Miller: Buy up more businesses and franchises. There’s still stuff out there that doesn’t say ‘Larry H. Miller’ on it.
For University President Bernie Machen: Practice not saying the F-word at Alta Club luncheons with Mormon bigwigs. Don’t order Scotch at said luncheons.
For LDS Public Relations Director Mike Otterson: Practice saying, ‘We appreciate their stand although we may not totally agree with it,’ rather than, ‘That opens old wounds.’
For Carol Gnade, director of ACLU Utah: Practice saying, ‘We appreciate their stand,’ rather than, ‘That opens old wounds.’
For Salt Lake Tribune Editor Jay Shelledy, our resolution is: Begin looking for new job in medium-sized daily newspaper market. Stop referring to Mountain Meadow Massacre as third biggest act of domestic terrorism in U.S. history.
For Deseret News Editor John Hughes: Begin looking for new job in medium-sized daily newspaper market in Bible Belt. Stop referring to Jay Shelledy as that “Dirty Little Bugger.”
For former KSL Anchor Ruth Todd: Strap a pair on, baby. Don’t let those geeks over at Channel 5 kick you around. Show ‘em whose boss. Forget ratings.
For former SLOC President Tom Welch: Continue to smile just a little while longer. This crap is almost over. Stay out of Lumpy’s.
For SLOC President Mitt Romney: Continue to smile just a little while longer. This crap is almost over and then you can beat feet back to Boston and get away from all these stiff-necked hicks and their dumb ways.