Somewhere in a parallel universe, quasi-famous former rock singer Michael Des Barres can land an acting job playing something other than a quasi-famous former rock singer. And the title My Guide to Becoming a Rock Star (The WB; debuts Thursday, March 14) is considered less unwieldy than The Young Person’s Guide to Becoming a Rock Star (the show’s original name). OK, only the second one is true—sorry, Mike.

Tube Stops* Thursday, March 14: My Guide to Becoming a Rock Star (The WB, 7 and 7:30 p.m.) Series Debut: A Seattle band follows a step-by-step plan for rock stardom. Step 1: Move to Portland. (Another episode airs Friday at 7:30 p.m.)

* Friday, March 15: Late World With Zach (VH1, Midnight) New Show: Vaguely insane Zach Galifianakis joins the late-night yak fray because VH1 has run out of Behind the Musics. No, Michael Des Barres ain’t gonna happen.

* Saturday, March 16: Movie: SLC Punk! (1999, Independent Film Channel, 7:30 p.m.); Movie: Rock & Roll High School (1979, Independent Film Channel, 9:15 p.m.) Punks look for kicks in Salt Lake City; punks look for kicks in a strict high school ... yep, same thing.

* Sunday, March 17: Alias (ABC, 8 p.m.) CIA/SD-6 agent Sydney is captured and grilled by the FBI about the cryptic Rambaldi doomsday prophecy writings, which turn out to be really just a killer BBQ sauce recipe—yum!

*Monday, March 18: Baby Bob (CBS, 7:30 p.m.) Series Debut: A talking 6-month-old baby, befuddled adults (including once-employable actors Adam Arkin, Joely Fisher and Elliot Gould) and ensuing hilarity ... Yes Dear is lookin’ pretty good right now, isn’t it?

*Tuesday, March 19: Andy Richter Controls the Universe (Fox, 7:30 p.m.) Series Debut: Ex-Conan sidekick Andy Richter plays a technical writer who’s prone to bizarre hallucinations. Probably shoulda been a TV writer, huh? n Wednesday, March 20: Felicity (The WB, 8 p.m.) Series Return: Felicity and the gang head into cancellation with a string of new episodes that answer the question, “What? It’s still on?”