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School's Out

Eight college commencement speeches you probably won't hear.

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8. "Follow Your Passion ... Unless Your Passion is Newspapers ... Maybe Find Another Passion."
7. "The Better Your Stripper Name, the Quicker You'll Pay Off Those Student Loans."
6. "The World is Yours ... or China's ... or North Korea's ... or Russia's. Let's Check Twitter."
5. "Don't Limit the Size of Your Dreams—Ask Your Parents for the Big Room in the Basement."
4. "So, Just in Case Your Podcast Doesn't Take Off ..."
3. "For the Love of God, Do Not Send Me a LinkedIn Request After This."
2. "Are You Familiar With The Handmaid's Tale? Ladies, We Need to Talk."
1. "Someday, You Could Be President. Seriously, It's a Shitshow Free-For-All Now. Go for It. Whatever."

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