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Self-aware Stupidity & Dopey Dope Dealers



Curses, Foiled Again

  • Sheriff’s Deputy Venita Edge reported she was fueling her marked patrol car at a station in Fultondale, Ala., when Matthew Kinard, 27, pulled alongside her and asked her to check to see if there were any outstanding warrants on him. When a search turned up one outstanding warrant for unlawful possession of a controlled substance, Edge took him into custody. Her report said that on the way to the county jail, he announced, “I am the stupidest criminal in the world.” (The North Jefferson News)
  • Police Officer Dan Lyons said Selma Elmore, 44, stopped him on patrol in Lockland, Ohio, and asked if there’s a curfew for adults. Told no, she then asked whether there was a warrant for her arrest. Told yes, Elmore took off running, leading Lyons on a brief chase that ended when she shoved him into a building and other officers apprehended her, adding a charge of resisting arrest. (Cincinnati Enquirer)

Sound of Green

Frito-Lay announced it was dumping biodegradable bags for five of its six varieties of Sun Chips snacks and returning to the original plastic packaging because consumers complained the compostable bags were too noisy. (Associated Press)

n At least a dozen of the 250 new wind farms opened in the United States in the past two years have generated significant noise complaints. In almost all cases, the complaints are directed against the noise of the turbines’ steel blades, which are well over 100 feet long. Similar complaints are being made in Canada and Britain, and in Rennes, France, an appeals court recently ordered an eight-turbine wind farm to shut down between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. so residents could get some sleep. (The New York Times)

Role Models of the Week

  • Col. Russell Williams, 47, the former commander of Canada’s largest air force base who served as the pilot for Britain’s Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip during their 2005 visit, pleaded guilty to the murder of two women, two sexual assaults, two charges of unlawful confinement and 82 counts of breaking and entering, which involved the theft of women’s panties. The Ottawa Citizen reported that authorities seized 500 women’s undergarments found at Williams’s Ottawa townhouse. “He’s just a very twisted individual, there’s no two ways about it,” said retired Lt. Gen. Angus Watt, who once promoted Williams. “He was able to lead an elaborate double life and was able to keep it successfully concealed.” (Associated Press)
  • Isaac H. Stoltzfus, 58, a district judge from Intercourse, Pa., was charged with disorderly conduct for hiding condoms inside acorns and handing them out to unsuspecting women at the state Capitol. (Associated Press)

Way to Go

  • British police reported that the body of Jimi Heselden, 62, the millionaire businessman whose firm makes Segway self-balancing electric scooters, was found at the bottom of a cliff in West Yorkshire. One of the two-wheeled scooters was found near the body. (Reuters)
  • High school athlete Justin Butler, 16, died after becoming entangled in a Bowflex exercise machine at his home in Grass Valley, Calif. Investigators ruled out suicide and called the death “a very tragic accident.” (Sacramento’s KOVR-TV)

When Guns Are Outlawed

When a masked man walked into a gas station in Cave Junction, Ore., and demanded cash, clerk Dan McLeod, 75, said the robber threatened to kill him, then pulled out 6-inch wrench — “a dinky little thing,” McLeod said. He responded by grabbing a broomstick handle and hitting the man several times, sending him away empty handed. (The Oregonian)

Home-Invasion Scenarios

  • When two armed men kicked in the front door of his home in Tulsa, Okla., and demanded money, Larry Ryan, 59, immediately grabbed for one of the weapons. During the ensuing struggle, the gun fired, shooting off two of the robber’s fingers. The other robber and a third man, who was driving the getaway vehicle, fled while Ryan held Bobby Lewis, 23, until police arrived. (Tulsa World)
  • An unidentified woman reported that two armed men broke into her home in St. Petersburg, Fla., and, after an unsuccessful search for cooking oil, forced her to melt butter, which one of the robbers rubbed on her chest while the other one searched the house for money. Authorities said they don’t believe the incident had any sexual overtones. (St. Petersburg Times)

Neutered and Spayed All at Once

Sharon Blechinger donated $1,165 to perform gender reassignment surgery on a Pomeranian puppy born with male and female sex organs. Veterinary specialist James Felt performed the 90-minute surgical procedure in San Bernadino, Calif. (The Press-Enterprise)

Insensitivity Alert

After rescuers saved a 14-month-old girl from drowning in Marshall, Texas, the community decided to hold a fair to raise money to help her family pay the massive medical bills involved in her recovery. One of the featured events was a dunking booth. (Longview’s KLTV)

Why They Call It Dope

Sheriff’s deputies arrested four people at a home in Carson City, Nev., after they found fliers in the neighborhood advertising marijuana for sale at that address and announcing, “Looking for new clients, always a good supply.” When deputies went to the address, they saw a camera in a window pointed at the street and a note advising visitors, “If you don’t call first we won’t answer the door.” The deputies knocked anyway, and a man and woman opened the door. (Nevada Appeal)

Too Close to Ground Zero for Comfort

Town officials in Sidney, N.Y., said they would seek a court order to force a local Muslim group to dig up a 650-square-foot cemetery on its property and never bury anyone there again. Although neither state nor local laws cover cemeteries on private land, Bob McCarthy, supervisor of the upstate town, population 5,993, insisted the cemetery is illegal. He admitted, however, “I don’t know what the exact law is.” (The Huffington Post)

Second-Amendment Follies

When a 31-year-old man spotted a skunk at a friend’s house, he grabbed a .22-caliber rifle, placed the butt end on the ground and started to load it. He didn’t know there was already a round in the chamber, according to sheriff’s officials in Manatee County, Fla., and when he accidentally hit the trigger, the round fired, going through the fingers on his right hand and through his left cheek. (Bradenton Herald)

Compiled from mainstream media sources by Roland Sweet. Authentication on demand.

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