ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Jonathan Lee Riches is renowned for filing numerous lawsuits in U.S courts. Some of his targets are actual living people, like Martha Stewart, George W. Bush, and Steve Jobs. But he has also gone after defendants like Nostradamus, Che Guevara, the Eiffel Tower, the ex-planet Pluto, the Holy Grail, the Appalachian Trail, and the Garden of Eden. This would be a good time for you to draw inspiration from his example. I don’t mean that you should become a litigious fanatic, but rather that you should seek redress and vindication from those people, places, and things that have not had your highest interests in mind. This could take the form of a humorous message, a compassionate prank, or an odd gift. Remember, too, that old saying: Success is the best revenge.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
This would be an excellent time for you to learn how to brew your own beer or build your own telescope or teach yourself how to operate a forklift. Your ability to master practical new skills is at a peak, and your need to develop more self-reliance is more pressing than usual. Once you raise your confidence levels, you might even move on to more challenging tasks, like concocting your own home-made flu shot or reconfiguring the way your brain works.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Novelist James Patterson has signed a deal with a publisher to churn out 17 new books between now and the end of 2012. (By comparison, it took me six years to write my first book, nine years to write my second, and five years for my third.) According to my reading of the astrological omens, you Geminis will have James Patterson-like levels of fecundity for at least the next four weeks. I suggest you employ that good mojo to create a masterpiece or two.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
As I gaze out the window of my home office, I see a vast wetland crossed by a creek that originates in the bay. At high tide, the creek is as wide as a river. At low tide, it’s as narrow as a village street. Sometimes it flows north vigorously, while at other times it surges south with equal force. Now and then it’s perfectly still. Its hues are a constantly mutating blend of grey, green, blue, and brown, and at sundown and sunrise they’re joined by tinges of pink, purple, and orange. As a Cancerian, I find this intimate spectacle to be both comforting and invigorating. It’s a reflection of my own ever-shifting moods, a reminder that I’m a watery creature whose fluidic changeability is natural and healthy. What I wish for you, my fellow Crab, is that in the coming week you will also surround yourself with prompts that help you to be at peace with who you really are.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
What exactly is a “wild goose chase,” anyway? Does it refer to a frenetic and futile hunt for an elusive prey that’s never caught? Or might it also mean the meandering pursuit of a tricky quarry that after many convoluted twists and turns results in success and generates a lot of educational fun along the way? Either definition could apply to your wild goose chase in the next three weeks, Leo. Which one will ultimately win out will probably depend on two things: 1. how well you detect the false leads you get; 2. how determined you are to be amused rather than frustrated by all the twists and turns.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your time is up, Virgo. No further stalling will be allowed. We need your answer now: Will you or will you not take advantage of the messy but useful offer that is on the table? Don’t ask for an extension, because you ain’t getting one. Please take advantage of this chance to prove that you love yourself too much to get hoodwinked and abused by perfectionism. Be brave enough to declare your allegiance to the perspective articulated by the mathematician Henri Poincaré: “There are no solved problems. There are only more-or-less solved problems.”
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This is an excellent time to celebrate the pleasures of emptiness ... to extol the virtues of the blank slate ... to be open to endless possibilities but committed to none ... to bask in the freedom of not having to be anything, anyone, or anywhere. Are you smart enough to need no motto to live by? Are you resourceful enough to rely on nothing but the raw truth of the present moment? If so, you will thrive in the coming days.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
During the dialog about health care in the U.S., certain highly relevant facts are never discussed. For example, it’s ludicrous for right-wingers to fear that a government-run health system would freshly infect our capitalist system with the stain of socialism. The truth is, America has long had the biggest socialist enterprise in the world: its sprawling military establishment, which is completely paid for by taxpayer dollars and run by the government! Another unacknowledged fact is this: The single smartest strategy for financing universal health care (as well as dramatically improving the economy) would be to reduce military expenditures. Americans don’t seem to realize that their monstrously huge military empire is a case of supreme overkill: It girdles the globe in ways that are unprecedented in the history of civilization. I bring this to your attention, Scorpio, to illustrate the way that a seemingly serious discussion can be thrown off course and rendered unproductive when it ignores critical information. Please make sure nothing like that happens in your personal sphere in the coming weeks.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
In the coming weeks, your medicinal effect and your power to incite change will be peaking simultaneously. You may heal people by shaking their certainties or you may scare people as you motivate them to shed their lazy approaches. You could be a stringently benevolent force or a disruptive fixer of broken things. My only advice for you is to work hard to stay humble. The potency of your influence might tempt you to get full of yourself, and that would undermine the beauty of your impact.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I’m embarrassed to confess that when I’m shopping for an herbal supplement I’ve never bought before, my choice is unduly influenced by how much I like the packaging. For example, I might opt for the brassy orange and white bottle with bold black lettering over the brand with the washed-out blue-green color scheme and delicate purple font. I hope you won’t fall victim to any version of my folly, Capricorn. It’s especially important that you make your decisions based on a piercing analysis of the inner contents, not a superficial survey of the outer display.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Study the following facts to derive oracular clues about your upcoming destiny. 1. Some bacteria are inimical to human beings, but others are friendly, like the creatures that inhabit your intestine and help you digest the food you eat. 2. There are snakes whose venom is poisonous in large doses but healing in small amounts. 3. The term “demon” is derived from the ancient Greek term “daimon,” which referred not to an evil supernatural being but to a benevolent guardian spirit that conferred blessings on a person.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
On the website “Yahoo! Answers,” readers pose questions that are answered by other readers who have expertise on the subject. In a recent entry, a young woman asked, “Is there a spell to become a mermaid that actually works?” Of the 50-plus replies, most are snarky and mean, ridiculing the asker of the question, and not a single one gives useful information. I encourage you to offer your own insight on the subject sometime soon. You are now at the peak of your ability to act, think, feel, love, and dream like a mythical sea creature.
Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.