ARIES (March 21-April 19)
In an old comedy sketch called “One Leg Too Few,” a one-legged man comes in to a casting agent’s office to audition for the part of Tarzan in an upcoming show. The agent is as diplomatic as he can be given the fact that the role would best be played by a strapping young man with exceptional running and leaping skills. “It’s possible that no two-legged men will apply,” the agent tells the applicant, “in which case you could get the part.” Don’t be like the one-legged man in this story, Aries. While I usually encourage you to think big and dream of accomplishing amazing feats, this is one time when you should respect your limitations.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
As I was meditating on your horoscope for this week, a song popped into my head: Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.” I instantly knew it was a message from my unconscious, meant to be delivered to your unconscious - a perfect action plan for you to pursue in order to be in maximum alignment with the astrological omens. I encourage you to come up with your own interpretation of what “sexual healing” means for you, maybe even write your own lyrics. P.S. You don’t necessarily need a partner to conjure up the cure.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
You probably get emails that close like this: “Sent from my iPhone.” Maybe you even deliver emails like that yourself. Keep that detail in mind while I tell you the dream I had last night. In the dream, all of my Gemini friends had sent me poignant emails. Every one of them said something like, “I’ve got to get back to where I started from” or “There’s something really important that I’ve got to do, but I can’t remember what it is” or “I hear a voice calling my name but I don’t know who it is or where it’s coming from.” And each of their emails ended like this: “Sent from my iSoul.” I suspect my dream is in perfect accordance with your astrological omens, Gemini. It’s time to go home, in every sense of the word.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
My name was “Robbie” from birth till seventh grade. But as my adolescent hormones began to kick in, I decided I needed a more virile stature. My name became the punchier, sleeker “Rob.” But with every year that passes, I find myself heading back in the direction of “Robbie.” The clever severity of my youth yearns to meld with the buoyant tenderness I’ve been cultivating the past decade. I want my paradoxes to harmonize - my blithe feminine qualities to cooperate with my aggressive masculine side, my bright-eyed innocence to synergize with my restless probing. So you can call me “Robbie” if you like, or “Rob,” or sometimes one and sometimes the other. Isn’t it time for you, too, my fellow Cancerian, to circle back and reclaim an early part of you that got lost along the way?
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
The Clash was a leftwing punk band that launched its career in 1979. With its dissident lyrics and experimental music, it aspired to make an impact on political attitudes. But then one of its songs, “Rock the Casbah,” got so popular that college fraternity parties were playing it as feel-good dance music. That peeved the Clash’s lead singer Joe Strummer, born under the sign of Leo. He didn’t want his revolutionary anthems to be used as vulgar entertainment by bourgeois kids. I sympathize with his purity, but I don’t advocate that approach for you. For now, relinquish control of your offerings. Let people use them the way they want to.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
“The trouble with life isn’t that there is no answer; it’s that there are so many answers,” said folklorist Ruth Benedict. That’s always true, of course, but it’s especially apropos for you right now. You’re teeming with viable possibilities. There are so many decent ideas eddying in your vicinity that you may be hard-pressed to pick out just a couple to give your power to. My advice: Let them all swarm and swirl for a few more days, then go with the ones that you feel will last the longest.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Jack Mytton was a famous 19th-century eccentric whose wealth and privilege often shielded him from the consequences of his odd behavior. One of his less successful adventures came on a night when he got a bad case of the hiccups. Thinking he could scare himself into being cured, he set fire to his pajamas. In the ensuing mayhem, his hiccups disappeared but he burned himself. I bring this to your attention, Libra, in the hope it will dissuade you from attacking a small problem in a way that causes a bigger problem. For now, it’s better to endure a slight inconvenience. Don’t seek a quick fix that causes a complicated mess.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
In accordance with the astrological omens, Scorpio, I will ask you to make everything wetter; to be the personification of fluidity. Where there is drought, use your magic to bring the rain. If you’re stuck in a dynamic that is parched and barren, add moisture and tenderness. Be ingenious, not rash, as you stir up dormant feelings in people you care about. Remind those who are high and dry about the river that runs through them. (A good way to do that is to reveal the river that runs through you.)
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Gwyneth Paltrow is the most perfect person alive, said Gawker.com. From a certain perspective, I suppose it’s possible to award her that title. She’s beautiful, rich, famous and in good shape. She’s a talented actress and published author. Without denying that Gwyneth is a gem, however, I must say that my standards of perfection are different. Are you doing the work you love? Are you engaged in ongoing efforts to transform your darkness? Do you practice compassion with wit and style? Are you saving the world in some way? Are you skilled at taking care of yourself? Those are my primary measures. What are yours, Sagittarius? It’s an excellent time to define your ideal human.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
In an old Star Trek episode, a 24th-century starship captain is weighed down by a knotty problem about how to deal with two of her enemies who are at war with each other. Unable to come up with a viable solution, she retreats to the holodeck, where virtual reality technology can create a convincingly real rendition of any desired scene. Where does she go for advice? She seeks out Leonardo da Vinci in his 16th-century studio. Once she has outlined her dilemma, Leonardo offers his counsel: “When one’s imagination cannot provide an answer, one must turn to a greater imagination.” This is my advice to you right now, Capricorn.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Seth Grahame-Smith rewrote Jane Austen’s classic novel Pride and Prejudice. He kept 85 percent of her material, but also added a big dose of “ultraviolent zombie mayhem,” creating a new story, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. In his version, Austen’s tale is expanded and altered by the previously unrevealed activities of zombies. I urge you to follow Grahame-Smith’s lead, Aquarius. Take some original creation you really like, and add a shot of your own unique approach to generate a completely new thing.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Everyone alive should see the musical comedy I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change. At the very least, we should all meditate regularly on the play’s title, using it as a self-mocking mantra that dissuades us from committing the folly it describes. How better to serve the health of our relationships than by withdrawing the projections we superimpose on people, thereby allowing them to be themselves? Right now, you’re in special need of honoring this wisdom, Pisces. If you feel the itch to tell friends and loved ones that they should be different from how they actually are, stop and ask yourself whether maybe you should transform yourself instead.
Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.