LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
“When I was born,” said comedian Gracie Allen, “I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.” I suspect you will soon be experiencing a metaphorical rebirth that has some of the power of the event she was referring to. And so I won’t be shocked if you find it challenging to formulate an articulate response, at least in the short term. In fact, it may take you a while to even register, let alone express, the full impact of the upgrade you will be blessed with.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
“During a game of Apocalypse against the Witchhunters,” reports Andrew_88 in an online forum, “I authorized my Chaos Lord to throw his vortex grenade at the oncoming Cannoness and her bodyguard. Safe to say he fluffed it, and the vortex grenade scattered back on top of him. Then he proceeded to take out my allies, the Havocs, Land Raider and Baneblade, before disappearing, having done no damage to my opponent.” I suggest you regard this as a helpful lesson to guide your own actions in the coming days, Scorpio. Do not, under any circumstances, unleash your Chaos Lord or let him throw his vortex grenade at anyone. He could damage your own interests more than those of your adversaries.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
According to my analysis of the astrological omens, it’s high time for you to receive a flood of presents, compliments, rewards and blessings. You got a problem with that? I hope not. I hope you are at peace with the fact that you deserve more than your usual share of recognition, appreciation, flirtations and shortcuts. Please, Sagittarius? Please don’t let your chronic struggles or your cynical views of the state of the world blind you to the sudden, massive influx of luck. Pretty please open your tough heart and skeptical mind to the bounty that the universe is aching to send your way.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I like how astrologer Hunter Reynolds encapsulates the Capricornian imperative. If you “can manage your ego’s erratic moods and uneven motivations well enough to offer a service with consistent quality,” he says, “the world confers social recognition and its accompanying material advantages on you.” The members of other signs may appear warmer and fuzzier than you, but only because you express your care for people through a “strictness of focus,” “disciplined work” and by being a “dependable helpmate.” This describes you at your best, of course; it’s not easy to meet such high standards. But here’s the good news: The omens suggest you now have an excellent opportunity to function at your very best.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“Not being omniscient is a really big drag for me,” says poet Charles Harper Webb. I sympathize with him. My life would be so much easier and my power would be so much more graceful if only I knew everything there is to know. That’s why I’m going to be a little jealous of you in the coming weeks, Aquarius. You may not be supremely authoritative about every single subject, but you will have access to far more intuitive wisdom than usual, and you’ll be making extra good use of the analytical understandings you have. Bonus: You will also be absorbing new lessons at an elevated rate.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
John Tyler was President of the United States from 1841 to 1845. Believe it or not, two of his grandsons are still alive today. They’re Lyon Gardiner Tyler and Harrison Ruffin Tyler, born late in the life of their father, who was born late in John Tyler’s life. I invite you to find some equally amazing connection you have to the past, Pisces. How is your destiny linked to the long ago and faraway? I suspect you might find that distant history will be more vital and important than usual in the coming weeks.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
I’ve got a challenging assignment for you. In accordance with your current astrological omens, I am inviting you to cultivate a special kind of receptivity—a rigorously innocent openness to experience that will allow you to be penetrated by life’s beauty with sublime intensity. To understand the exact nature of this receptivity, study Abraham Maslow’s definition of real listening: to listen “without presupposing, classifying, improving, controverting, evaluating, approving or disapproving, without dueling what is being said, without rehearsing the rebuttal in advance, without free-associating to portions of what is being said so that succeeding portions are not heard at all.”
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Government officials in Southern Sudan are proposing to build cities in fantastic shapes. They say that the regional capital of Juba would be recreated to resemble a rhinoceros, as seen from the air. The town of Yambio is destined to look like a pineapple and the city of Wau will be a giraffe. I’m confused by all this, since I know that most of the people in South Sudan live on less than a dollar a day. Is that really how they want their country’s wealth spent? Please consider the possibility, Taurus, that there are also some misplaced priorities in your own sphere right now. Hopefully they’re nothing on the scale of what’s happening in South Sudan, but still: Allocate your resources with high discernment, please.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
You have cosmic clearance to fall deeply, madly, and frequently in love, Gemini. In fact, it’s OK with the gods of fate and the angels of karma if you swell up with a flood of infatuation and longing big enough to engorge an entire city block. The only stipulation those gods and angels insist on is that you do not make any rash decisions or huge life changes while in the throes of this stupendous vortex. Don’t quit your job, for instance, or sell all your belongings, or dump your temporarily out-of-favor friends and loved ones. For the foreseeable future, simply enjoy being enthralled by the lush sexy glory of the liquid blue fire.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Among the surprises spilled by WikiLeaks some months back was the revelation that U.S. diplomats think Canadians feel “condemned to always play ‘Robin’ to the U.S. ‘Batman.’“ If that’s true, it shouldn’t be. While Canada may not be able to rival the war-mongering, plutocrat-coddling, environment-despoiling talents of my home country America, it is a more reliable source of reason, compassion and civility. Are you suffering from a similar disjunction, Cancerian? Do you imagine yourself “Robin” in relationship to some overweening “Batman”? This would be an excellent time to free yourself of that dynamic.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
“Enigmatology” is an infrequently used word that means the study of puzzles and how to solve them. I’m invoking it now to highlight the fact that you need to call on some unusual and idiosyncratic and possibly even far-fetched resources as you intensify your efforts to solve the puzzles that are spread out before you. The help you’ve called on in the past just won’t be enough for this new round of gamesmanship. The theories and beliefs and strategies that have brought you this far can’t take you to the next stage.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This would not be a good time for you to read the book called The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem. In fact, it will never be the right time to read it. While it’s true that at this juncture in your life story you can make exceptional progress in boosting your confidence and feeling positive about yourself, you’re not an idiot and you don’t need idiot-level assistance. If there was a book called The Impish Guide to Accessing and Expressing Your Idiosyncratic Genius, I’d definitely recommend it. Likewise a book titled The Wild-Eyed Guide to Activating Your Half-Dormant Potential or The Brilliant Life-Lover’s Guide to Becoming a Brilliant Life-Lover.
Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.