8. Reward yourself after a workout with a small treat. Like a rum-soaked ham.

7. Between reading each number here, do a sit-up (time limit: four days).

6. Check your heart rate frequently when exercising; shoot for 500-600 bpm.

5. After your heart explodes, you'll have lost an easy 8-10 ounces.

4. Hire a personal trainer. Or someone fatter than you to just "hang around."

3. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. For better results, scale the side of the building.

2. Join an inexpensive gym like Planet Fitness ($10 a month) or the 300 West Walmart Parking Lot (free; stabbing possible).

1. Remember: A winner never quits. On the other hand: Sweatpants always forgive.