According to legendary Hollywood agent Sol “Swifty” Fickinger, the deal was inked last Thursday in his spacious Century City high-rise.
“It all came together very quickly, very quickly,” said Mr. Fickinger, a diminutive man with a gleaming shaved head and boundless energy. “Charlie’s people and Muammar’s people had been in discussions for several weeks, but it wasn’t until the BYU basketball season tanked last week that Jimmer became available. Let me just say that everyone is excited, very excited.”
Mr. Fickinger wouldn’t comment on negotiations leading up to the deal other than to say that rumors about Mr. Gadhafi’s threats to bury Mr. Sheen in the LaBrea Tar Pits were somewhat exaggerated.
“Here’s what I’ll say about that: Muammar has quite a sense of humor, and it takes some getting used to. Wait till the series airs and you’ll see what I mean. I don’t want to give too much away, but everyone will just be blown away by Jimmer’s antics on the show. He can really hold his own with those two wild and crazy guys.”
Word has leaked out that an early working title for the show was, in fact, Three Wild & Crazy Guys. For a while, the producers wanted to call the show Jimmer and the Boys, but both Mr. Sheen and Mr. Gadhafi objected to Mr. Fredette getting top billing. (Mr. Gadhafi had never heard of The Jimmer, and at one sensitive point in the negotiations went on a tirade about how he would not “play second banana fruit to this Jimmar chap—what in the name of Allah is a Jimmar, anyway?”)
Finally, everyone agreed on Two Men & a Mormon, which kills several birds with one stone. Mr. Gadhafi and Mr. Sheen get top billing, and Mr. Fredette is recognized as the odd man out whose presence will generate the requisite dramatic tension.
“The possibilities are endless,” said Mr. Fickinger. “Imagine The Jimmer trying to live a chaste and virtuous life with these two guys and their stripper girlfriends and Swedish nurses and Lord knows what kinds of controlled substances lying around the apartment. Then you can have some cute bits where The Jimmer tries to teach Muammar how to shoot a jump shot. I’d like to also have a running gag where Muammar keeps calling The Jimmer “The,” thinking, you know, that “The” is his first name.
“And speaking of names, we’ll also get ready-made laughs from a baffled mail carrier—we’re hoping to get the cuddly character actor Wally Shawn for the role—who is confused by mail addressed to the deposed mad dictator. Is it Gadhafi or Qadhafi or Khadafy? Or is it al-Gadaafi or el-Kadafi? Or maybe Qadhdhafi? And then Charlie and The Jimmer don’t know whether to call him Mummar, or Mommar, or Muammar, and so on. We can milk it for all it’s worth.”
In response to whether the series would be set in Kamas, Utah, as rumored, Mr. Fickinger was noncommittal. “Well, it would be great if it works out. We want a small-town atmosphere, close enough to the big city, but small enough to exploit clichéd boondocks kind of characters. And Park City, of course, would be perfect, with Charlie Sheen heading over the mountain for some action and trying to lure The Jimmer to its notorious fleshpots. Right now, we’re still waiting to see if we can get a few tax breaks from your Legislature. We’d hate to have to film it in some place in Kansas.”
After days of trying to get in contact with Mr. Fredette, we were finally able to track him down in the University Mall in Provo, where he was standing in line at Subway for a $5 special. We waited until he took a seat in the rear, near a window looking onto University Parkway. At first, he denied that he was indeed The Jimmer, then reluctantly provided a comment.
“It’s a new chapter. There’s been ginormous pressure on me here at the Y. Hey, it’s a change of pace. Dealing with Charlie and Muammar’s going to be a piece of cake. I’m looking forward to working with them.”
