8. According to City Weekly employees, if you travel farther south than 2100 South, you fall off the edge of the world into the abyss of space.
7. Tell bartenders repeatedly that liquor laws are different in your state—they love it.
6. Bicycle lanes are only for cyclists; sidewalks are only for cyclists, panhandlers and parking pay stations.
5. Don't trust anyone without tattoos.
4. Exercise caution when tipping at restaurants; anything more than 10 percent may send your waitress into shock.
3. Turn signals are optional, as locals insist, "Jesus knows which way I'm going."
2. The Twitter and Instagram hashtag to use is #SLC, not #SLUT—totally different audience.
1. You can buy alcohol at the State Liquor Store, wine at the State Wine Store and drugs anywhere.