First, the obvious: Welcome to Utah, one of America’s most puckered locales. Maybe you’ve heard rumors about our strip clubs. They’re true. We still know how to have a good time; we just have stricter baby sitters who charge more than a dollar an hour, and most can’t bounce on our laps or take off their pasties and thongs. Here’s how to rationalize this like a local.
Find the area of a sphere, using the formula A=4π(r2). For our purposes, City Weekly measured a basketball. That’s ’cause getting a well-endowed lady to allow us to measure her stuff—for free, anyway—proved problematic. And yes, aside from some well-crafted fakies, most breasts aren’t perfect half-spheres; they slope and droop. Have pity; math is hard. Plus, we didn’t wanna get that technical.
Anyway, our red, white and blue Globetrotters special measures 29.5 inches around. Call it 30, making the radius 15, so the area is 4π(152) or 2827.43 inches squared, half of which is 1413.72 inches squared; roughly, the area of a bouncer.
It’s much harder to put a number on cleavage, since it varies according to the lady. So, we put a girly T-shirt on a piece of melamine board and inserted two ripe honeydew melons.
Determining how much citrus was visible and deducting that from the area was too hard. It’s probably safe to assume that if one is paying to see live jigglers, cleavage doesn’t count.
So, gentle visitor, you must decide if that’s worth your hard-earned tourist dollars. Take it from a local: It’s that or cable-version pornos on the hotel bill—a far sadder prospect than a guestimated 99.8 percent of two nude boobs.
A dark room with purple neon lights and some of the best-looking dancers in town. No booze means 18-year-olds are welcome, and they can advertise four private rooms for “personal” dances.
American Bush: 2630 S. 300 West, 801-467-0700, TheAmericanBush.com
They call Duces “Cheers with boobs” because the dancers are supposedly the friendliest (whatever that means). Full bar, grill, pool tables and foosball.
Duces Wild: 2750 S. 300 West, 801-467-4600, DucesWildSLC.com
One little stage in one little club—it’s like a strip club in your buddy’s garage, only it’s nicer, cleaner and they serve a mean cheeseburger.
Pinky's: 4141 S. State, 801-261-3463, PinkysTopless.com
Two of Salt Lake City’s biggest strip clubs boast steak and eggs daily before noon, two-for-one on Tuesdays. If you happen to be visiting Ogden, look up Northern X-Posure (1847 Wall Ave., 801-394-4757).
Southern X-Posure: 1737 N. Beck St., 801-355-1488; 3420 S. State, 801-288-1488 MySouthernX.com
The original Trails is located downtown for business-meeting and post-game fun and features a full bar. Trails II is a beer-only neighborhood tavern in South Salt Lake. Both serve food.
Trails I: 921 S. 300 West, 801-363-2871, Trails II: 3055 S. State Street, 801-484-4846, TrailsClub.com