8. "Mothers are the glue of the family: Sticky and toxic."

7. "Because of you, I'm me ... and someday, you'll pay for it, Mom."

6. "You may be a daytime stripper, but you're the best nighttime Mommy!"

5. "I forgive you for not mentioning me on The Bachelor, Mom—I want you to win, too!"

4. "Daddy must be ordering some of that gourmet coffee you like for Mother's Day—I saw his laptop open to Grindr."

3. "I couldn't love you any more, Mother. Not on this anti-depressant regime."

2. "You didn't drive Daddy away, Mom, you just made more room for us!"

1. "I'll always look to you for wisdom, Mother—because my new stepmom is only five years older than me."