Dear Wabette: Questions about love have far too many variables to warrant a perfect answer, but I can empirically say one reason you’re having a hard tiempo finding Mexi men is because there are simply not enough people like your brothers. The 2008 report “Advancing in Higher Education: A Portrait of Latino College Freshmen at Four-Year Institutions, 1975-2006,” published by the Higher Education Research Institute at the University of California, Los Angeles, discovered a widening education gap between Latinas and Latinos: according to the study, chicas constituted 60.8 percent of first-time, full-time Latino freshmen in universities in 2006; chicos, on the other hand, made up just 39.2 percent of the total. Academic surveys over the years have show that educational attainment levels heavily influence marriage choices (i.e., you’re more likely to marry someone with the same degree), so I suggest you brush up on learning how to make guac for the gabacho in-laws—kidding! Your príncipe will come, girl: gotta keep the faith!
Dear Mexican: Once a month at my church, we have members of the congregation get up and “bear testimony,” about spiritual feelings or experiences. I’ve noticed that the Mexicans are always talking about vivid dreams that they’ve had, a phenomenon not often mentioned by chinos or gabachos. My folks tell me that the Mexicans in their congregation, in the far northwest suburbs of Chicago, do much the same. Do dreams have some sort of special religious significance for Mexicans? If so, does this predate Christianization? —Gabacho Gordo
Dear Fat Gabacho: You didn’t give me enough information about your church. I know that bearing testimony is a tenet of Mormons, but I don’t want to give an LDS answer if it’s a Methodist question—don’t want to confuse the holy-rolling, you know? I can say that Mexicans love dreams, especially if they involve amnesty, hot chicks, or a Stetson. But dreams as revelations? The last such sueño was when the Aztecs thought Hernan Cortés was their long-gone god Quetzalcoatl—and we all know how that turned out.
TO ALL THE DREAM ACT STUDENTS: Keep the faith—know your cause is just, know you will win, and know that Know Nothings can rule for only so long.
Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org, MySpace.com/OCWab, Facebook.com/Garellano, YouTube.com/AskeAMexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!