Staffbox | Can I get a witness? | Staff Box | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Staff Box

Staffbox | Can I get a witness?

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If you ever needed a character witness, whom would you choose?

Scott Renshaw: The question presumes I have a character that I’d want to have witnessed.

Cesar Guzman: I would choose my drug dealer Catalina as my character witness.

Derek Carlisle: Robert Goulet. He didn’t know anything about me, but his voice would have had a fine delivery.

Jeff Reese: I would pick Mr. T, because “I pity the foo” that doesn’t believe what he says about me...

Holly Mullen: I’d choose John Saltas. He’d take a bullet for me. Right? Right?!

Nick Clark: Sen. John McCain, of course! He would make all of my shortcomings disappear and shift the focus of the court to my nice ass.

Eric S. Peterson: I think if I were innocent of the crime, I’d probably have my mother as a character witness. But not if I were guilty, because she can’t lie worth shit. If I were guilty, I’ve probably got a few friends who’d lie for me in exchange for a sandwich or candy or something.

Monica Sorensen: My third-grade teacher, because she is probably the last person left with a mental picture of me being innocent. That, or my equally unethical lying boyfriend.

Matt Engle: Someone who knows me really well—and who’s comfortable with lying.

Derek Jones: Let’s see, I think I’d make an excuse to throw a huge party and invite everyone I’ve ever met in life. I’d then make them write down their favorite thing about me and put their reply in a giant hat. Then I’d read them aloud and choose my favorite. Imagine what a self-esteem boost that party would be.

Bill Frost: Harvey Birdman, attorney at law. He’ll take the case!

Bryan Bale: Anyone but Dubya. If he ever said I was doing a “heck of a job,” I’d be screwed.

Chelsie Booker: If I were to ever need a character witness, I would call upon the fancy Mr. Christopher Westergard. He knows me most—the good parts and bad and still thinks I’m a sensible gal! Plus, I have great confidence in his ability to construct some incredible fibs in order to get this little one out of trouble.