Staffbox | Can you help Sarah Palin think up more imaginative names for future children? | Staff Box | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Staff Box

Staffbox | Can you help Sarah Palin think up more imaginative names for future children?

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Piper, Bristol, Willow, Track and Trig: These are the names vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin gave her kids. Can you help Palin think up more imaginative names for future children (or grandchildren)?

Derek Jones: Based on the fact that John McCain has already claimed Palin as his “soul mate,” and the way he stared at her ass during the acceptance speech, I think it is only fitting that she name her future child/grandchild Mac Daddy, as homage to the man who jumpstarted her career.

Annie Quan: Well, since her 17-year-old daughter Bristol just dropped out of high school because she’s pregnant, she could name her grandchild Hypocrite.

Doug Kruithof: Michael Jr. after her illegitimate Monty Python alum spawn.

Susan Kruithof: Bubba, Cleavon, Cletus, Elrod, Amaleen, Crystal, Misty Dawn and Shirleen for starts. I’m over these new-age redneck names. Keep it old school. Redneck names for red-state idiots. God bless America!

Jackie Briggs: Is “I’mnotyourmomI’myourgrandma” too long?

Jamie Gadette: I’d name them after the cast of HBO’s The Wire: Stringer Bell, Bubs, Proposition Joe, Herc, Omar, Avon, Brodie, Wee-Bay, Marlo, Snoop … No one will f—k with them!

Eric S. Peterson: Going with an Alaskan theme, how about the name Dewlap? It’s the name for part of the moose’s anatomy. You know, that fleshy sack that hangs directly under the moose’s … chin.

Nick Clark: Shotgun, named for the coming wedding. Or perhaps Abstinence, the fail-safe teen birth-control method exercised by Palin and her (large) family.

Bryan Bale: Please, no more offspring!

Scott Renshaw: Clearly she can’t be a real American if she gives her kids weird names. Maybe her young’uns can get together with their Hollywood e-leet friends Kal-el, Apple, Scout, Suri and Banjo.

Andrea Moore: Bastard. I really like this word and I think it would make an equally great and appropriate name.

Jeremiah Smith: I think Bridge, Wolfkiller and Sucession would fit quite nicely and leave the legacy she would like. tttt