If you replaced Columbus Day, what would you replace it with?
Derek Jones: Excessive Drinking and Party Day … wait, isn’t that basically every other holiday?
Jamie Gadette: Lindsay Lohan Day! The one day when getting wasted in Salt Lake City is permissible. (According to Extra! and Entertainment Tonight reports, all of Utah is bone dry.)
Brandon Burt: The best holidays, like Halloween, Christmas and Easter, all seem to have pre-Christian origins. Let’s do it like the pagans did it—we’ll take all the politicians who continue to promote failed policies, load them into a locked, wooden structure and set it on fire. Call it Wicker Man Day.
Nick Clark: Another St. Patrick’s Day.
Derek Carlisle: Replace it with good old Oct. 12. We’d still have to work, but the bankers and postal workers would, too.
Stephen Matney: I’d replace it with Pre-Christmas, of course! It’s basically the same as Christmas, only it happens before Christmas.
Blade Brown: I would replace it with Tommy Lee day. He discovered the heart of America! Without big-boobed blondes, this country would be nothing.
Justin Healy: I would replace it with a holiday that somebody actually gives a crap about. I would like anything more than Columbus Day as long as I actually get the day off.
Suzie Broshous: I would replace it with Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Overworked, Huddled Masses Day.
Faith Burnham: National Kick-Butt Day! Or, if you prefer your celebrations with a little bit of irony, Columbus Day shares the same place on the calendar as National Native Americans’ day. Niiiice.
Nathan Levinson: Jack Kevorkian Day! The death Columbus brought was painful and drawn out. At least ol’ Jack is humane about it.
Jennifer Higgins: I would change it to The Knights Templar Gain One More Towards World Domination Day.
Paula Saltas: This is for that employee who didn’t like the lack of mail delivery on Columbus Day. He said, “Why don’t we just have Hannibal Lecter Day?”
Jeff Reese: Apologize to the Native Americans Day.