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Staffbox | Write an Onion-style headline

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The Onion is known for its hilarious fake stories and headlines. Make up your own Onion-style headline about some Utah issue.

Nick Clark: “Utahn Blames Democratic Vote on Alco-pop.”

Derek Carlisle: “Moroni Sheds Gold in Protest of Beijing.” And, “Downtown SLC Crowd Complains of Long Beer Lines at Free Outdoor Concert.”

Paula Saltas: “God Speaks to Utah Leaders: “Don’t Make Me Come Down There.”

Cody Winget: “Obama, Nation’s Democrats Descend on Colorado for DNC. Utahns Fortify Borders Fearing Invasion from Crazed Liberal Antiwar Machine.”

Holly Mullen: “Utah Leaders to Beijing: Take a Bite Out of That Chunky Olympic Air, It’s Only ‘Haze’”

Jeff Reese: “Studies Show Utah’s 3.2 Beer Laws Lead to More Aesthetically Pleasing Population Due to Less Effective ‘Beer Goggles.’”

Ted McDonough: “Mayor Has Rocky Envy, Reportedly Tells Aides, ‘My Hair’s Just As Good.’”

Jesse James Burnitt: “Utah Senate Passes Bill Officially Making Utah a “Blinker Optional” State.

Jerre Wroble: “Editor, Dead Two Weeks, Found at Desk Appearing to Be Reading Copy”

Bryan Bale: “Chris Buttars Seeks Advice For Anti-Gay Legislation. Consults with Idaho Sen. Larry Craig in Closed-Door Restroom Conference.”

Cesar Guzman: “LDS Church Launches Own Fashion Magazine.”

Stephen Matney: “Asked About Feelings on Local Comedian’s Second Place Finish in a Nationally Televised Competition, Local Media Outlets Respond, ‘Who?’”

And, “Local Humanitarian Walks North on Main Street, Declares Bankruptcy by 200 South.”

Bill Frost: “Real Salt Lake Declines State Money, Will ‘Rape Residents Directly.’” And, “Utah Jazz Win in Squeaker Against Olympus High.”

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