Stay away—Salt Lake City ain’t no Austin | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Stay away—Salt Lake City ain’t no Austin

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



Well Wilson, this is all we need—a New York Times story describing Salt Lake City as the next Austin, Texas. Well for starters, you idiots, we don't wear cowboy hats or have bull horns as hood ornaments on our Cadillacs.

The Times piece describes Salt Lake as a once-stupid, boring place with no coffee houses or brew pubs, where outsiders often go into withdrawals and die on Main Street believing the hype that it's “a little bit of Paris.” But voilà, presto-chango, the City of Salt is now hip with brew pubs and coffee houses on every corner. Cool cafes and restaurants are too numerous to count.

Hipsters from all over are moving here in electric cars, but there are no traffic jams. Rents are cheap and so are employees. Skiing, hiking and camping are at Salt Lake City's back door. And despite the unending promotion with zillions of resident tax dollars, our ski resorts and national parks are not overcrowded—by Hong Kong standards, anyway. Yes, it's the new Shangri-La, a happy place where all the Mormon girls are loose and no one has bad breath.

Don't believe a word of it! You still can't get a drink in Utah. If you come here, your kids will marry Mormons, you'll have to go to family reunions and baptize dead people. Have you heard of the Mountain Meadows Massacre? Let a word to the wise be sufficient.

Mike Lee, A Burning Bush and The Old Testament
For a long time, the staff here at Smart Bomb was convinced that Utah Sen. Mike Lee was hearing voices. Well, now we know for sure—Utah's senior senator says he's been talking to God. Yes, that God, the one of the burning bush.

The Biblical rains that flooded the Black Rock Desert during the annual Burning Man festival were “God’s judgment,” Lee said, recalling Genesis, for all those heathens taking pleasure in wine, women, song, sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. One person died, others were stranded with little food and water. That's what they get for being such hedonists, said the devout Mormon, who is full of love and brotherhood.

He must have been talking to God again last week when he said the U.S. Military should be defunded because it provides leave and expenses to female service members stationed all over the world who must travel to get abortions. Lee, of course, was providing political cover for Alabama Sen. Tommy Tuberville, who is blocking hundreds of military promotions to force the Biden administration to end the travel policy.

The former Auburn head football coach—which in Alabama puts him very close to the Savior—is praised by his constituents for his godliness, something he shares with Mike Lee. Well, they are holier-than-thou.

Investigating the Investigators
The Republicans have just about had enough. They've had a gutful of Democrats investigating the Jan. 6 “Citizens Tour of the Capital.”

Ohio Republican Jim Jordan, chairman of the Select Committee on Insurrection Protection, said the Dems are guilty of an intimidation conspiracy by repeatedly talking about an election conspiracy. And they've had enough of Hunter Biden getting away with murder and all those kickbacks he's kicked back. They've had it with the “weaponization” of the Justice Department that's investigating criminal acts by Donald Trump that weren't criminal acts at all—just business as usual.

They're gonna investigate why Dr. Fauci made that Chinese laboratory spread COVID and why he lied about ivermectin not being a cure. They're gonna investigate why President Joe Biden pulled out of Afghanistan on Trump's scheduled withdrawal that killed everyone.

They're gonna investigate why Biden keeps letting everyone cross the southern border when we've got a shortage of low-wage workers. And they've had a gutful of that Georgia D.A. Fani Willis for bringing all those criminal charges against Trump and all those other innocent people.

There is just so much for Republicans to investigate and so little time—before Trump winds up in jail.

Postscript—That's gonna do it for another rousing week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of the names of Utah cities and towns so all those newcomers from Austin, Texas, won't have to. OK Wilson, get this: There are some developer dudes that are gonna build a new community on the eastern shore of Utah Lake and they're gonna name it ... wait for it ... Utah City!

Seriously? That's right, Utah City will be in Utah County on the shores of Utah Lake in the state of Utah. It's enough to give you vertigo.

This state, originally called Deseret—which means “honeybee”—is known for the strange names of its towns, such as, Levan, Koosharem, Nephi, Lehi, Manti and Moroni, some of which come from The Book of Mormon. For example, those gospels identify Nephi as the son of the prophet Lehi.

The Nephites, of course, were the descendants of Nephi. Manti was a Nephite spy and Moroni was the last Nephite prophet. But be careful, there are trick names, too. Levan is “navel” spelled backward. No lie—it's in the middle of the state. Clever.

And no, Elmo was not named after the Muppet. And then there is Moab, named after an Old Testament figure who was born out of incest. Yikes. What were the Mormon settlers thinking when they did that? Wait Wilson, do not answer that question.

Well, like it or not, people are moving to Salt Lake City from all over. Come to Utah, where the living is easy. No crime. No nastiness. No air pollution. Right.

The price of real estate is up, and traffic is getting worse by the day. Everything is crowded. Let's face it, this is a boomtown. So Wilson, get the band to put down their beers and get us on outa here:

Here come the artists with their intense faces,
With their need for money and quiet spaces.
They leave New York, they leave L.A.
Here they are - who knows how long they'll stay -

It's a Boomtown
Got another Boomtown
And it'll boom
Just as long as boom has room.

Here come the tourists with their blank stares,
With their fanny packs - they are penny millionaires.
Something interesting happened here long time ago.
Now where people used to live their lives the restless come and go.

It's a Boomtown
Got another Boomtown
And it'll boom
Just as long as boom has room.

The rich build sensitive houses and pass their staff around.
For the rest of us, it's trailers on the outskirts of town.
We carry them their coffee, wash their shiny cars,
Hear all about how lucky we are
To be living in a ...

Got another Boomtown
And it'll boom
Just as long as boom has room.
“Boomtown”—Greg Brown