Page 3 of 11SIX PARTY SYSTEM
Planning a Slip'N Slide rager? Yawn.
By Westin Porter
It's summer in Utah—the season of love, high pollen counts, construction, don't-drive-air-quality days and, of course, summer parties. But for those of you who are tired of the same old BBQ, house party or bar, look no further than the City Weekly Stupid Summer Party Guide. Here, we'll explore a few half-baked ideas that could either turn out to be the best summer party you've ever thrown, or a depressing reminder of how very few friends you have. We'll shoot for the former.
Think you outgrew your love for professional wrestling along with your Jincos and Third Eye Blind CDs? Or perhaps you were always too sophisticated for such a mockery of true athletic feats. Either way, get over yourself. Reach deep into your bottom drawer of nostalgia for that plastic WWF Intercontinental Champion belt you purchased mostly ironically from Toys R Us, strap on your tightest spandex, (or better yet visit Pib's Exchange and buy some that accentuate your package and/or cleavage,) pull on that blonde bowl-cut wig and get ready for Summer Slam 2016, hosted by you in your backyard, brother! The '90s had a lot to offer, but the resurgence of professional wrestling toward the turn of the century was best. Whether you were into wrestling or not, there was a collective vaunting of the ridiculous sport and its accompanying pay-per-view viewing parties, early internet forum exchanges and even the oh-so-controversial "backyard wrestling" matches. Just make sure you and all of your friends have coordinated who will be dressing up as who, so that you don't end up with 12 Stone Cold Steve Austins ... Or, better yet, just throw a Stone Cold Steve Austin party.
The Redneck Rager
Whether you're actually a redneck or not is not important for this party idea. If you are, think of it as your own little holiday on which you get to celebrate your blue-collar, country culture by swilling warm Busch, combining cowboy boots and shorts, having "biggest-dip of Copenhagen Long Cut" contests and eating a lot of red meat. If you aren't a redneck, however, think of this as an opportunity to indulge in the behavior you so haughtily hold yourself above. Get a keg, throw a tarp in the back of your truck and fill it up with the garden hose for a true, redneck hot tub.
Donald Trump Might Actually Be President Blowout
Remember Y2K? The parties people threw that were one-half celebratory, one-half scared shitless, all in the spirit of embracing possible doom? That's the feel of this party idea. At this point, if we're this close to actually electing Donald Trump president of the United States of America, aren't we kind of already screwed? So buy some wine coolers, put on your baggiest Tommy Bahama, and be the first to host this sure-fire rager. And in true Trump fashion, to keep those unwanted party guests out, just put up a wall.
Beach Games Utah Style
What to do when the weather app reads triple digits for every foreseeable day in the forecast, without an ocean nearby and the nearest lake uninhabitable to everything but brine shrimp? Beach day, baby! That's right, who says you need an actual beach for beach day? Find your old kiddie pool, procure two bags of sand, break out the volleyball net and invite the whole neighborhood. Just make sure not to eat at least 30 minutes before getting in the water to prevent cramps.
Super Garage Band Concert Series
Look, we all love Twilight and the Red Butte Gardens Concert Series to bits, but sometimes we just can't make it—whether it's the crowds, the cover charges or maybe the D.D. fell through while you were pregaming and Uber is on surge pricing. When it happens, dust off the old Squire Strat (with the shredded stock strings), break out your little brother's pawn shop drum kit with the cottage cheese drum heads and relearn the power chords to your favorite songs. Something about a lot of booze, basement acoustics and Sabbath covers brings out the party animal in all of us.
Selfie sticks, Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas, hashtags, hoverboards ... we want to see all the stops pulled out for this one. Known for their ability to connect with masses from all over the globe all without the attention span and social awareness to maintain eye-contact during conversation, millenials will be sure to make this party look like the best place to be to everyone who isn't there. Later on, host a double-feature screening of The Lion King and Toy Story, serve Pop-Tarts and Otter Pops and post about the sweet, sweet nostalgia on your Myspace.