7. The solar eclipse will not affect your astrological sign, as astrology is still bullshit.
6. During the eclipse, the solar panels you eco-freaks installed will fail and you’ll die instantly, just as Rocky Mountain Power warned.
5. The government recommends observing the solar eclipse through chemtrails. Don’t ask why.
4. The “protective” glasses you bought at Ed’s Eclipse Shades & Fireworks stand aren’t certified.
3. If your Spotify “Solar Eclipse” playlist includes Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” but not Iron Maiden’s “Total Eclipse,” you’re doing it wrong.
2. The eclipse is no more a danger to pregnant women than simply existing in modern ’Merica.
1. The solar eclipse is not God’s wrath against the gays—your bishop will let you know when that’s coming.