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Super Bowl Suckers

Propaganda patriotism, Playboy Playmates or preening Popstars? You make the call!

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There are many, many things I waste my time watching on TV—and not just in this kinda-professional capacity, either. I’ve sat through mind-numbing nonsense no casual-wimp viewer could withstand, programs I’m fairly sure enjoy a total viewership of myself and six dead-bored bastards between GameCube sessions on a military outpost on Antarctica.

Tube Stopsn Thursday, Jan. 31: The Price Is Right 30th Anniversary Special (CBS, 7 p.m.) Oldster Bob Barker takes the show to Las Vegas, where he’s later found dead in a Rio Hotel suite with his three show models. CSI (CBS, 8 p.m.) The Crime Scenesters investigate a strange death at the Rio Hotel.

n Friday, Feb. 1: Dennis Miller Live (HBO, 12:30 a.m.) Season Premiere: Back for a ninth (!) season, Dennis Miller scrapes for new stuff to rant about. Tonight’s topic: Boxers vs. briefs vs. boxer-briefs—what the f**k?!

n Saturday, Feb. 2: Judith Regan Tonight (Fox New Channel, 10 p.m.) Judith throws a hot-tub party, downs a few dozen Jager shots, gets a lap dance from Ken Starr, wins a beer-chugging contest and winds up puking her guts out till morning. No, wait, that was Judith Regan last night.

n Sunday, Feb. 3: Malcolm In the Middle (Fox, 8 p.m.) Special Post-Super Bowl Show: Stunt-casting galore with Susan Sarandon, Bradley Whitford (The West Wing), Stephen Root (NewsRadio), Patrick Warburton (my sadly-canceled The Tick!), Terry Bradshaw, Magic Johnson, Howie Long, Heidi Klum, Tom Green and Christina Ricci. Is there a show in there?

n Monday, Feb. 4: Alan Keyes Is Making Sense (MSNBC, 8 p.m.) OK, not even I’m going to attempt to watch this whack-job political pundit pap.

n Tuesday, Feb. 5: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (UPN, 7 p.m.) New Episode, Finally: Spike kicks Buffy’s ass! Then she’s framed for murder by the Super Villain geeks! Sheesh, is it because of the new haircut?

n Wednesday, Feb. 6: Ed (NBC, 7 p.m.) A member of Ed and Mike’s high school rock band croaks, so they decide to reunite with Andy Richter (!) and play at the funeral. Where’s the Warren Cheswick Experience?!

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