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Ten Good Excuses Not to Get Vaccinated

Smart Bomb: The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis



1—It could turn you into a communist.
2—It will mess with your DNA until you look like Bill Barr
3—You won't be welcome at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.
4—People will think you're a Democrat.
5—Police Dogs can sniff you out after a burglary.
6—The Proud Boys will turn on you.
7—You could be charged with a hate crime in Garfield County.
8—Majorie Taylor Greene will yell at you through a mail slot.
9—You could lose your Temple Recommend.
10—Getting vaccinated would require cognitive analysis.

GOP: Invest in America? Nah, We Can't Afford It
America is the greatest.

We have the world's biggest military and economy. We are rich—unless you are a college student or the average worker. The Iraq War cost $2 trillion. The Afghanistan War cost $2.26 trillion and counting.

We love to invest in war, but in our people—not so much. Republicans are balking at Biden proposals that would spend $1trillion on infrastructure—such as roads, bridges, etc.—and another $3.5 trillion for climate change, education, elder care and child care, to be paid for by the wealthy and corporations through tax increases.

For some, like Utah Republican Congressmen Blake Moore and Chris Stewart, it's all too much. We can't afford that, they say.

Our infrastructure is failing. In healthcare, the U.S. is ranked 37th by the World Health Organization. Medical costs are the primary cause for 62% of bankruptcies. In education, 24 countries offer free college tuition and of them, 13 are also free to international students.

Meanwhile, 44.7 million American college students and grads owe a total of $1.71 trillion in student debt.

In 2017, Trump and Republicans passed tax cuts of $1.125 trillion that went mostly to the rich and corporations. All of Utah's Republican delegation voted for it. But investing in this country and its people, well, how can we afford that?

Trump and Cabinet Still Forging Greatness
Mark Meadows, the real president's chief of staff, told Fox News that El Presidente and his cabinet continue to meet at the Florida White House and are "moving forward." He didn't elaborate, but anonymous sources tipped Smart Bomb to the skinny:

Trump: We've raised more than $100 million since I left Washington. Remember, I never left office, I'm still president. I'm great.

Meadows: You are the greatest leader in history, Mr. President. And by the way, is that a new suit? It looks awfully good on you, sir.

Trump: Who is the sonofabitch who leaked that letter saying I told the acting Attorney General to order Georgia to change the election results? They're saying I'm worse than Nixon.

Meadows: Well, Mr. President, did I mention your beautiful tie? Very nice.

Trump: I hate that sniveling wimp Biden. I hate infrastructure, too. And I'm the one who invented the vaccines for Covid and I don't get any credit. It was me. I'm the one.

Meadows: Yes, Mr. President, you are single-handedly saving America. Maybe we could do one of your fantastic rallies and call it the "Trump Vaccine" and tell all your MAGA people to get the shot?

Trump: We can't do that, stupid. People have to keep dying until I get back in the White House. Then we'll tell them.

Meadows: Great plan, sir. Say, are those new shoes?

Post script—That's about a wrap for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of airborne particulates so you don't have to. Fact is, we're all smokers now.

More than 100 fires are burning in the West and Salt Lake City continues to be in the top 10 for worst air quality in the world. But for reasons unknown, the Utah Office of Tourism continues to ignore it. "Greatest Bad Air On Earth." Of course, it's not all our fault: California, Oregon, Washington and Montana just keep on burning.

And speaking of breathing, public schools in Utah—including universities and colleges—cannot impose mask mandates on account of it being a communist plot to steal our freedom, according to Republican legislators. In Utah, we are free to spread Covid-19 as part of our God-given rights. The slogan, "Live free or die," may have to be changed to, "Live free and die." Again, the Utah Office of Tourism is taking a pass.

Before Covid, an annual rite was for kids to start school and get colds and bring them home to their parents. Legislators say not to worry—just because the common cold and Covid are both viruses doesn't mean a thing. Well, maybe it does, but Republicans aren't allowed to say that. And anyway, only a small percentage of children will die.

OK Wilson, what a week: the Delta variant, smoke, global warming. But it could be a lot worse—there could be a housing crunch. You and the guys in the band know that life goes on and we just have to roll with the punches, wildfires or no wildfires, so pick it, Wilson:

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Girl, we couldn't get much higher

Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can only lose<
And our love become a funeral pyre

Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire, yeah
"Light My Fire"—The Doors