The Dick Zone | TV & Games | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
We need your help.

Newspapers and media companies nationwide are closing or suffering mass layoffs since the coronavirus impacted all of us starting in March. City Weekly's entire existence is directly tied to people getting together in groups--in clubs, restaurants, and at concerts and events--which are the industries most affected by new coronavirus regulations.

Our industry is not healthy. Yet, City Weekly has continued publishing thanks to the generosity of readers like you. Utah needs independent journalism more than ever, and we're asking for your continued support of our editorial voice. We are fighting for you and all the people and businesses hardest hit by this pandemic.

You can help by making a one-time or recurring donation on, which directs you to our Galena Fund 501(c)(3) non-profit, a resource dedicated to help fund local journalism. It is never too late. It is never too little. Thank you.

News » TV & Games

The Dick Zone

Submitted for your approval: An alternate-reality version of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2002.



For maximum dramatic/comedic effect, this episode of Tube Town should be read at approximately 11 p.m. during Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2002 (ABC, Monday Dec. 31).

Tube StopsThursday, Dec. 27: Greatest TV Moments: Hip-Hop (VH1, 6:30 p.m.) Ludacris, Grandmaster Flash, Russell Simmons, Everlast, Kurtis Blow and more are featured, but Busta Rhymes’ alternate-reality New Year’s Rockin’ Eve bootyfest with Jessica Simpson is, of course, absent.

Friday, Dec. 28: Domino Day 2001 (ABC, 8 p.m.) Five Americans join a European team trying to break the world record for domino-building by setting up 3.75 million dominoes over a six-week period … Yes, ABC canceled Thieves to make room for edgy programming like this.

Saturday, Dec. 29: Movie: Can’t Stop the Music (1980, American Movie Classics, 8 p.m.) The Village People get funky with Valerie Perrine, Steve Guttenberg, Bruce Jenner and … American Movie Classics?

Sunday, Dec. 30: The Sopranos (HBO, 9 p.m.) Tony runs an exclusive card game for some high rollers (including Frank Sinatra Jr.) that lands Robert Patrick in deep trouble: He has to stay on The X-Files.

Monday, Dec. 31: 2002 (ABC, 5:30 p.m.) Peter Jennings hosts a four-hour global block party, with correspondents reporting from New York City, Jerusalem, London, Washington D.C., Rio de Janeiro, Moscow, Capetown, Edinburgh and … Salt Lake City? Oh yeah, par-tay central.

Tuesday, Jan. 1: For the Troops (MTV, 3 and 9 p.m.) Jennifer Lopez, Ja Rule and Kid Rock “entertain” U.S. soldiers overseas. Bonus: Fetus VJ Gideon Yago gets set on fire by surprise guest kraut-rockers Rammstein.

Wednesday, Jan. 2: NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw (NBC, 5:30 p.m.) In honor of the National Boozecasting Company’s new liquor ad policy, Tom reads tonight’s headlines pissed drunk … like he always does.

[Fade in from commercial break]

Dick Clark: Hello, and welcome to New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2002! I’m Dick Clark in Times Square, and what a show we have for you tonight, America! If you’re just joining us, we’ve seen performance clips from this year’s hottest tours: Aerosmith, Destiny’s Child, Dave Matthews and Elton John, all of whom had better things to do tonight than be with us live tonight … ingrates.

We’ve also shown “classic” New Year’s Rockin’ Eve performances from Barry Manilow and Kool & the Gang, artists who have since passed on and will be missed very much by music-lovers … [Pauses, listens to producer in earpiece] … They’re not dead?! Like Barry and Kool have more pressing engagements than to show up for New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?! This is a 30-year American TV tradition! I’m Dick [bleep]-ing Clark! Fine, whatever. Let’s check in with my co-host via satellite in Hollywood, Whose Line Is It Anyway? star Wayne Brady …

Bill Frost: Hi Dick! There’s been a slight change of plan here on the West Coast—Wayne Brady has been unavoidably detained, so I’ve been asked to fill in. [Wayne Brady’s muffled screams in the background, possibly coming from the trunk of Bill’s car]

Dick: [Popping fistful of unidentified pills] Huh?! What kind of Mickey Mouse network is ABC, anyway?! Oh, right, never mind—who the [bleep] are you?

Bill: Well Dick, I’m a highly-respected television journalist who’ll do pretty much anything to get my freak on with superfine pop-R&B singer Pink, if ya know what I’m sayin.’

Dick: Don’t know, don’t care, and I’m sure I’ll be picking you out of a police line-up by the end of the week, but I’ll play along. Who else will be performing there in the Pacific Time Zone, Bob? [Swigs from flask hidden in overcoat] Like it really matters at this point.

Bill: Yo, it’s gonna be off the hook, D! [Pauses, listens to producer in earpiece] OK, I’ve been told that I’m “far too white” and to knock it off with the “Total Request Live jabber.” Dick, besides the lovely Pink, we’ve got Blink-182, Blu Cantrell, Busta Rhymes, Jessica Simpson, LFO, The O’Jays and, for some reason, washed-up grunge merchants Bush—maybe because the singer’s girlfriend is Gwen Stefani of No Doubt, I dunno. Why couldn’t you get No Doubt for the show, Dick? [Laughs]

Dick: Biff, I swear by all that is holy that I’ll be on the next plane to wring your [bleep]-ing neck if you mention that skank Stefani and her “too-big-for-some-geriatric-New-Year’s-show” band. Can you get a few words with the stars who actually did show up? And where did you get that idiotic “I Wanna Be Pink’s Luv Dawg” T-shirt?

Bill: I made it myself! And it’s BILL, you undead relic! [Cloud of ganja smoke wafts by] Here come Busta Rhymes and Jessica Simpson from the backstage area—hey, Busta and Jessica, wanna say Happy New Year to America? [Busta giggles, spilling champagne] Why are you walking so bowlegged, Jessica? Been riding a horse tonight?

Jessica: Yeah, you could say that. [Grimaces, adjusts red vinyl hot pants] Excuse me, I’ve gotta go call my agent … and the Virgin Solidarity Network.

Dick: [Recoils in horror] Oh, great! This might as well be on Fox! Any other plans to destroy my wholesome New Year’s broadcast institution, Ben?

Bill: How about this? [Trips Bush’s singer as he heads for the stage] And it’s BILL, you Alzheimer’s-ridden raisin!

Pink: [Stepping on Bush singer’s skull with a five-inch stiletto heel] Hey, like the shirt—and is that a cooler of Pabst? Cool. Can you hook a girl up, honey?

Bill: Oh, yeah! Don’t you have a countdown and a disco ball to drop back there in New York, Dick? Back to you, ya [bleep]-ing fossil.

Dick: [Inhaling unidentified substance from paper bag] The ball is coming down here in Times Square! Ten, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 … uh, it’s getting kinda close … 4, 3, 2 … Aaarrrggghhh! [Squashed by giant ball, toes sticking out à la The Wizard of Oz] What a world … what a world …

South Park stars Kyle and Stan, wandering by from the Comedy Central New Year’s Eve party: You killed Dick! You bastards!