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News » TV & Games

The Dick Zone

Submitted for your approval: An alternate-reality version of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2002.

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For maximum dramatic/comedic effect, this episode of Tube Town should be read at approximately 11 p.m. during Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2002 (ABC, Monday Dec. 31).

Tube StopsThursday, Dec. 27: Greatest TV Moments: Hip-Hop (VH1, 6:30 p.m.) Ludacris, Grandmaster Flash, Russell Simmons, Everlast, Kurtis Blow and more are featured, but Busta Rhymes’ alternate-reality New Year’s Rockin’ Eve bootyfest with Jessica Simpson is, of course, absent.

Friday, Dec. 28: Domino Day 2001 (ABC, 8 p.m.) Five Americans join a European team trying to break the world record for domino-building by setting up 3.75 million dominoes over a six-week period … Yes, ABC canceled Thieves to make room for edgy programming like this.

Saturday, Dec. 29: Movie: Can’t Stop the Music (1980, American Movie Classics, 8 p.m.) The Village People get funky with Valerie Perrine, Steve Guttenberg, Bruce Jenner and … American Movie Classics?

Sunday, Dec. 30: The Sopranos (HBO, 9 p.m.) Tony runs an exclusive card game for some high rollers (including Frank Sinatra Jr.) that lands Robert Patrick in deep trouble: He has to stay on The X-Files.

Monday, Dec. 31: 2002 (ABC, 5:30 p.m.) Peter Jennings hosts a four-hour global block party, with correspondents reporting from New York City, Jerusalem, London, Washington D.C., Rio de Janeiro, Moscow, Capetown, Edinburgh and … Salt Lake City? Oh yeah, par-tay central.

Tuesday, Jan. 1: For the Troops (MTV, 3 and 9 p.m.) Jennifer Lopez, Ja Rule and Kid Rock “entertain” U.S. soldiers overseas. Bonus: Fetus VJ Gideon Yago gets set on fire by surprise guest kraut-rockers Rammstein.

Wednesday, Jan. 2: NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw (NBC, 5:30 p.m.) In honor of the National Boozecasting Company’s new liquor ad policy, Tom reads tonight’s headlines pissed drunk … like he always does.

[Fade in from commercial break]

Dick Clark: Hello, and welcome to New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2002! I’m Dick Clark in Times Square, and what a show we have for you tonight, America! If you’re just joining us, we’ve seen performance clips from this year’s hottest tours: Aerosmith, Destiny’s Child, Dave Matthews and Elton John, all of whom had better things to do tonight than be with us live tonight … ingrates.

We’ve also shown “classic” New Year’s Rockin’ Eve performances from Barry Manilow and Kool & the Gang, artists who have since passed on and will be missed very much by music-lovers … [Pauses, listens to producer in earpiece] … They’re not dead?! Like Barry and Kool have more pressing engagements than to show up for New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?! This is a 30-year American TV tradition! I’m Dick [bleep]-ing Clark! Fine, whatever. Let’s check in with my co-host via satellite in Hollywood, Whose Line Is It Anyway? star Wayne Brady …

Bill Frost: Hi Dick! There’s been a slight change of plan here on the West Coast—Wayne Brady has been unavoidably detained, so I’ve been asked to fill in. [Wayne Brady’s muffled screams in the background, possibly coming from the trunk of Bill’s car]

Dick: [Popping fistful of unidentified pills] Huh?! What kind of Mickey Mouse network is ABC, anyway?! Oh, right, never mind—who the [bleep] are you?

Bill: Well Dick, I’m a highly-respected television journalist who’ll do pretty much anything to get my freak on with superfine pop-R&B singer Pink, if ya know what I’m sayin.’

Dick: Don’t know, don’t care, and I’m sure I’ll be picking you out of a police line-up by the end of the week, but I’ll play along. Who else will be performing there in the Pacific Time Zone, Bob? [Swigs from flask hidden in overcoat] Like it really matters at this point.

Bill: Yo, it’s gonna be off the hook, D! [Pauses, listens to producer in earpiece] OK, I’ve been told that I’m “far too white” and to knock it off with the “Total Request Live jabber.” Dick, besides the lovely Pink, we’ve got Blink-182, Blu Cantrell, Busta Rhymes, Jessica Simpson, LFO, The O’Jays and, for some reason, washed-up grunge merchants Bush—maybe because the singer’s girlfriend is Gwen Stefani of No Doubt, I dunno. Why couldn’t you get No Doubt for the show, Dick? [Laughs]

Dick: Biff, I swear by all that is holy that I’ll be on the next plane to wring your [bleep]-ing neck if you mention that skank Stefani and her “too-big-for-some-geriatric-New-Year’s-show” band. Can you get a few words with the stars who actually did show up? And where did you get that idiotic “I Wanna Be Pink’s Luv Dawg” T-shirt?

Bill: I made it myself! And it’s BILL, you undead relic! [Cloud of ganja smoke wafts by] Here come Busta Rhymes and Jessica Simpson from the backstage area—hey, Busta and Jessica, wanna say Happy New Year to America? [Busta giggles, spilling champagne] Why are you walking so bowlegged, Jessica? Been riding a horse tonight?

Jessica: Yeah, you could say that. [Grimaces, adjusts red vinyl hot pants] Excuse me, I’ve gotta go call my agent … and the Virgin Solidarity Network.

Dick: [Recoils in horror] Oh, great! This might as well be on Fox! Any other plans to destroy my wholesome New Year’s broadcast institution, Ben?

Bill: How about this? [Trips Bush’s singer as he heads for the stage] And it’s BILL, you Alzheimer’s-ridden raisin!

Pink: [Stepping on Bush singer’s skull with a five-inch stiletto heel] Hey, like the shirt—and is that a cooler of Pabst? Cool. Can you hook a girl up, honey?

Bill: Oh, yeah! Don’t you have a countdown and a disco ball to drop back there in New York, Dick? Back to you, ya [bleep]-ing fossil.

Dick: [Inhaling unidentified substance from paper bag] The ball is coming down here in Times Square! Ten, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 … uh, it’s getting kinda close … 4, 3, 2 … Aaarrrggghhh! [Squashed by giant ball, toes sticking out à la The Wizard of Oz] What a world … what a world …

South Park stars Kyle and Stan, wandering by from the Comedy Central New Year’s Eve party: You killed Dick! You bastards!