8. “Skoal or Copenhagen?”

7. “Do you have any ties to the Satanic liberal media? If so, can you get us on the TV box?

6. “Is there enough room in your pickup to give the other 11 members a ride to Denny’s after the meeting?”

5. “Do you have access to the Internet? We really need to get that MySpace page going.”

4. “Are you available to help patrol the Taylorsville/West Valley City border this weekend?”

3. “Wait a minute—aren’t you Alex Segura?”

2. “Do you pledge to protect our country against Mexicans, Canadians and Californians?”

1. “Have you ever actually read the Constitution? Ain’t really a deal breaker or nothin’.”

Bill Frost: