Eight reasons “alco-pop” beverages should be moved from grocery stores to Utah State Liquor Stores:
8. The kids are clamoring for the new “Hannah Montana Fizzy-Dizzy” strawberry malt cooler.
7. It’s easier to get cheerleaders drunk on Jack Daniel’s and Yoo-Hoo.
6. Keeping bottles warm and unrefrigerated in liquor stores will better preserve malt coolers’ original furniture-polish flavor.
5. Confused shoppers might mistake Mike’s Hard Lemonade for Mike’s Hard Drain Cleaner.
4. If it doesn’t come in a liter jug, it doesn’t belong in a Utah grocery store.
3. Those who don’t remember the Zima pandemic of the ’90s are doomed to repeat it.
2. Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff’s extensive research of hanging out at Albertsons and asking teens, “Hey, want some lousy-tasting fruit booze?”
1. How else is the state going to make more money off of a plain ol’ 3.2 alcoholic beverage?