Eight sure-fire tricks to get Utah voters out to the Feb. 5 presidential primaries:
8. The Jazz Bear shooting voter info pamphlets out of a T-shirt gun.
7. Voting booths placed at the end of buffet lines.
6. Complimentary “Pulling for Polling” massages, sponsored by Ron’s Rub & Tug.
4. Free movie passes to that new Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson pile of crap.
3. Every 10th person gets an extra vote for Ron Paul, “Just for the hell of it.”
2. Wii-compatible electronic voting machines.
1. A two-drink minimum.