Eight new election-seasonal beers from Utah brewers:

8. Orrin Hatch’s Ferret-Lipped Pinhead Porter: A dark, full-bodied ale with familiar, aged flavor and bitter finish, every time.

7. James Evans’ Whoa! Cracker! Pale Ale: A light-bodied and thin-skinned ale that makes everybody sound like a racist.

6. Chris Buttars’ Harebrained Hefeweizen: A wheat beer brewed with half-baked yeast and hops, filtered through an aluminum-foil hat.

5. Pete Ashdown’s ISP IPA: A hoppy India Pale Ale with a bold aroma, fully downloadable and interactive.

4. LaVar Christensen’s Loopy Loser Lager: A crispy, nutty lager with an unsatisfying finish despite being a crazy-Republican beer in a crazy-Republican state.

3. Peter Corroon’s Flip-Flop Soccer Hop Amber Ale: A medium-bodied ale with a one-term tang and $55 million finish.

2. Jenny Wilson’s St. Teddy’s Girl Pilsner: A golden pilsner brewed with mayoral genes and zero prior keg experience.

1. Rocky Anderson’s Lame Duck Stout: A malty stout with a creamy 15-month finish, perfect for overnight sleepovers in Pioneer Park.