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The Ocho

Eight ways Utah state liquor stores should attempt to offset sticker-shock over new higher prices for alcohol



8. Bikini models serving free sample shots at most locations (topless in Ogden).


7. Rock radio stations holding “Peg the Breathalyzer” contests in the parking lots to win Def Leppard tickets.


6. Advertise lower-end liquors on the bottom shelves with multipurpose promise “Also strips paint, clears drains and kills weeds.nn

5. Introduce new “Drinky McHooch’s Kidz Playland” child-care corners for alcoholic parents on the go.


4. Install mini-stores on all TRAX trains to help justify UTA’s new rate hikes.


3. Place the beers in unplugged refrigerators to at least give the appearance of correctly chilling them.


2. Sell drinker-friendly magazines at the checkout stand, like Modern Drunkard, Bartender Magazine and Utah Bride & Groom.


1. Bring back the mini bottle. It’s just the right thing to do.