Rep. Jim Jordan's aide promised him that his dress was not too low cut. “It really brings out all your nice chest hairs, sir,” he said. Then he assured the Ohio Republican firebrand the red Stilettos went perfectly with his ensemble.
Trump had just endorsed Jordy for Speaker of the House and he wanted to look his best. Meanwhile, New York Rep. Mike Lawler—wearing a powder blue pantsuit with a white blouse ruffled at the sleeves and neck—was gathering a coffee clutch to oust the flamboyant Matt Gaetz. The Florida bon vivant was rocking a lavender pastel cocktail dress with a low back, revealing his smooth, freshly-waxed back.
Gaetz is the Robespierre of the House Revolution and Lawler wanted his head for the insurrection against Old Lady McCarthy. At the same time, the-dress-for-success Republican Governance Group had a rope and was looking to hang McCarthy mutineer Nancy Mace. She looked like she had rushed to the Capitol from the Tango club, slits to the thigh of her wine-colored dress. The South Carolina lawmaker would have to do some fancy dancing to stay alive in the Republican caucus.
Keeping the Real Capitol Housewives from self-destruction will require more magic than organizing the chaos of New York Fashion Week. Good luck Jordy—and hey, nice tits.
Taylor Swift, Wherefore Art Thou?
We don't have to wonder where Taylor Swift is. News media, social media and jungle drums keep track of her every move. (“Taylor Swift is now in the lady's room.”) She's the biggest thing since Lady Gaga's dogs got kidnapped.
Well no, Wilson, we don't know where Paris Hilton is. But you're right, back in the day the tabloids and Access Hollywood tracked her every move. Paris Hilton is at a party. Paris Hilton is at another party. Paris Hilton is at a club. Paris Hilton is at another club ...
But times they are a changin.' Now we need minute-by-minute reports on the new pop superstar. Taylor Swift is here. Taylor Swift is there. Taylor Swift is everywhere. The tabloids love it and scream headlines like this: “Taylor Swift Blasts Travis Kelce Into Hollywood Stardom; Romance A Gamble for NFL Star.” Inquiring minds have to know.
That's all fine and good Wilson, but do the guys in the band know who the secretary of state is? Of course not. Here's something: When Taylor Swift recently posted on Instagram that everyone should vote, 35,000 of her followers registered at Vote.org. What if she posted, “Don't get stoned and drive.” Or, “Don't get pregnant.” What if she posted, “Don't vote for idiots.”
You're right Wilson, that is asking a lot, after all they have to vote for someone.
Livin’ in the USA—Pop Culture Rules
Finally Wilson, some good news: The McDonalds McRib sandwich is back! It's true, even The Washington Post is reporting it: “Nearly a year after the sandwich’s latest 'farewell tour,' McDonald’s announced the McRib is back.” It is, of course, a pork sandwich smothered in barbecue sauce.
You know how it is, Wilson, you're too drunk or stoned to go into a restaurant but you're starving. So you take an emergency fly pattern to the Micky-Dees drive-through for a nice, messy McRib, staving off the murderous munchies. This is important or it wouldn't be in The Washington Post, right? U.S. pop-culture rules.
And get this: Skelly, the 12-foot-tall Halloween skeleton lawn decoration, is back at Home Depot and selling like hotcakes. It's so popular that it can show up anywhere, according to (you guess it) The Washington Post. “He makes year-round appearances at bar mitzvahs, graduations and holidays such as Christmas and the Fourth of July.”
Since we're talkin' smack, the staff here at Smart Bomb just has to relay this: Crocs has come out with cowboy boots. Yep, those rubber clogs now look like Tony Lamas, says The New York Times (for real) and they're complete with spurs. Texas gardeners are totally going to dig it. Cowboy f-ing Crocs—is this a great country, or what.
Postscript—That's going to do it for another insane week at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of the names of towns in Utah so you don't have to. Thank goodness The Salt Lake Tribune has embarked on what could be called “The New Resident's Guide to Zion.” Last week, The Trib offered lessons in how to pronounce unique town names here in the Beehive State.
For example: Duschene is pronounced “do-shane,” according to the Trib guide. But Wilson and the band insist it's “do-kes-nee.” The Trib guide says that Tooele is pronounced “tuh-will-uh.” But the staff here at Smart Bomb knows it's really “to-lee” town. And Vernal is pronounced “ver-nel.”
Several weeks ago the Tribune gave insights to newcomers for “Mormon Speak.” That's how new folks learned that “flip” is the local term for another F-word; that “garbage” translates to bullshit; and a “heathen” is a target of Mormon missionaries who must be saved by dunking them in water. And that isn't all—the Trib offered a guide to our National Parks, as if everybody in the universe didn't already know, thanks to the taxpayer-funded program by the Utah Office of Tourism to advertise them in big electronic billboards in every airport, as well as in slick magazines. So welcome to Utah you heathens, we can't tell you how happy we are that you're here.
Well Wilson, there are nasty wars in Ukraine, Israel and Palestine, and the House of Representatives. The world is a troubled place. But we are lucky to be living in the USA where pop-culture rules. So get the guys in the band to quit playing hacky sack and take us out with a heart-warming patriotic number that will stick in our brains for days:
Oh well oh well I feel so good today
We just touched ground on an international runway
Jet-propelled back home from overseas to the USA
New York, Los Angeles
Oh how I yearn for you
Detroit, Chicago, Chattanooga, Baton Rouge
God I long to be at my home back in old St Lou
Did I miss the skyscrapers
Did I miss the long freeway
From the coast of California
To the shores of the Delaware Bay
You can bet your life I did
Till I got back to the USA
Looking hard for a drive-in
Searching for a corner cafe
Where hamburgers sizzle on an open grill night and day
Yeah, and the jukebox jumping with records back in the USA
I'm so glad I'm living in the USA
Yes I'm so glad I'm living in the USA
Anything you want we got it right here in the USA
Ah we're so glad we're living in the USA
Yes we're so glad we're living in the USA
Anything you want we got it right here in the USA
“Back In the USA”—Chuck Berry
