Dear Gabacho: You were doing such a good job, but that Know Nothing doubt at the end—%uFFFDqué chingada? Of course Mexicans appreciate the American way—if it wasn’t the case, so many of us wouldn’t have been screwed over by the mortgage meltdown. Gotta keep up with the Gonzalezes.
But you really want to know what we wabs have in store for the Reconquista. Very simple. First, we exile Carlos Mencia. Then we’ll intermarry with all races to further the melting pot us Mexis created but you gabachos usurped. Some anchor baby will become presidente, equipped with a college degree just to f—k with y’all. Being good students of American history, we’ll make sure not to discriminate against minorities like ustedes did. America will continue stronger than before, because Mexicans didn’t come to this país to turn it into another Mexico. But we’ll become too American—eventually, our growing sloth will be our downfall, and the Guatemalans will destroy us all.
From which states do the majority of Mexicans in the United States come from? I often see window and bumper stickers with the names of Mexican states. Do Mexicans distinguish themselves with statehood pride, apart from Mexican pride? —Stately Señor
Dear Gabacho: Segunda question first: yes, just like Americans do, and just like goombahs distinguish their heritage as, say, either Sicilian or Genovese. First pregunta: It depends on where you live in los Estados Unidos. The breakdown of how many Mexicans from a particular state have invaded the United States are notoriously inexact, with neither American or Mexican ethnographers providing accurate stats due to the double curveball of pochos who still identify with their parents’ states and illegals. Historically, the top states sending Mexicans to el Norte were from the northern and central parts of the country, due to proximity, socioeconomic strife and chain migration. But with the advent of the Reconquista, different Mexicans go to different places, and a lot of them are Mexicans gabachos never knew existed. California has the largest communities of folks from Oaxaca, many who don’t even speak Spanish as a first language. It seems every third Mexican in Texas who ain’t Tex- Mex comes from northern Mexico. And so many people from the central Mexican state of Puebla have migrated to the Big Apple in the past couple of decades that those in the know call it Puebla York. So, gabachos: know your Mexicans so you better know how to hate. Quick hint: tell those from Jalisco they’re little better than nayaritas…
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