10. Guns—Be sure to declare the 2nd Amendment is sacred.
9. Abortion—Always say we're protecting pre-born people (never say “zygote”).
8. Gay marriage—Keep repeating, God said marriage is between a man and a woman. (Extra-marital affairs don't count, especially oral sex.)
7. Donald Trump—Focus on his leadership skills, such as insults and bullying, and emphasize his business acumen. Feign ignorance about his fraud trial and sex assault.
6. Biden didn't win—You must say Trump won or you're toast. Say this: There were voting irregularities and there's plenty of proof.
5. All Muslims are terrorists—Play to white fears. Remember, Santa and Jesus are white. Maybe the workforce is a bit thin, but do you want your daughter to marry a terrorist?
4. Climate Change is B.S.—Another liberal ploy to sell electric cars and deadly windmills that kill whales. Your shares of Shell Oil could go in the dumper. Do you want that?
3. Dictatorships aren't that bad—And look, it's just for one day. Don't listen to Steve Bannon, Trump is not following the playbook of Benito Mussolini—well, not exactly.
2. Taxing the rich—Just say redistribution of wealth is a communist, welfare ploy. The rich are job creators and everyone wants a job except Democrats.
1. Taylor Swift—The libs are weaponizing Taylor Swift. She's on the cover of Time magazine, dances around in those sparkly, sequined swimsuits and she tells her fans to vote. How bad can it get?
When Did You Stop Supporting Terrorists?
The House Committee of Inquisition convened in a special session to determine if student terrorists were spreading propaganda regarding the presence of Popsicles on elite campuses, where leftists have made life sticky for normal white people.
With brutal questioning, Rep. Elise Stefanik, R-N.Y., demanded to know whether “Fat Albert” Saturday morning cartoons violated school policies. “It all depends,” answered Dean Nomee Nadda of Who Dat University.
Stefanik warned the dean that she was under oath. Universities should be forums for free inquiry, Nadda replied, except when they're not.
That's a yes or no question, Stefanik snapped, and I don't like your attitude. We're trying to score political points up here, she said, and we don't want actual answers. The Who Dat dean offered a clarification: Popsicles are protected by the Constitution.
Rep. Burgess Owens, R-Utah, jumped in wondering aloud why elite universities teach Critical Race Theory and if it—along with diversity, equity and inclusion initiatives—was linked to rising levels of anti-Popsicleism. Well congressman, Nadda said, I just want to convey whatever I need to say about Popsicles so I won't get fired for defending free speech.
Seven Ways to Live Better This Winter
Alright Wilson, The Washington Post has thrown down the gauntlet with its feature, “7 Ways to Live Healthier This Winter.” For example, number four on their list is “Groom the Dog,” because they bring in dust and mites. Mites! Yikes!
Number seven is “Upgrade Your Footwear,” which is a no-brainer, but some folks don't have much between their ears, let alone their toes.
Not to be outdone, the staff here at Smart Bomb put together our list for a better winter:
1. Stock up at the liquor store, as this saves trips on dangerous icy roads where Utah drivers could slide into you.
2. Join AAA because your battery is gonna die at least half a dozen times and you don't have jumper cables.
3. Buy jumper cables.
4. Get electric socks, but eliminate this step if you are one of those people who wear flip-flops all winter—in which case, call your therapist.
5. Keep a plastic urinal under the driver's seat for when Foothill Blvd. turns into a parking lot on snowy days at rush hour, or when you're just not going to make it home in time from Happy Hour.
6. Do not get wasted in the hot tub, it could lead to drowning. Ignore this if you want to get rid of a significant other.
7. And to guarantee a winter wonderland, sign up for the new illustrated Kama Sutra newsletter for a more ... spiritual season.
Postscript—That's going to do it for another super-duper week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of free speech so you don't have to. In the now famous words of Rep. Elise Stefanik, R-New York, to former University of Pennsylvania President Liz Magill, who resigned under pressure, Why haven't you stopped students from calling for the genocide of Jews? Meanwhile, Elon Musk restored the account of Alex Jones to X (Twitter). The radio host conspiracy theorist has said many times that the murders of 20 six- and seven-year-olds and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary was a hoax.
During his four years as president, The Washington Post cataloged more than 38,000 of Trump's false and misleading statements. Trump has targeted Muslims, Mexicans, Syrian refugees, Africans, congresswomen of color and Black athletes, among others. Recently, Trump called for the execution of Gen. Mark Milley, the former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. During all this, the only thing coming from Ms. Stefanik was the sound of her lips smacking Trump's rosy-red German ass.
Speaking of winter, Wilson (clever segue), it's going to be cold and snowy. But if folks focus on Smart Bomb's “7 Ways to Live Better This Winter” it will be much more enjoyable. So we know you and the guys in the band have something that's going to put us in the mood—so hit it, Wilson:
And when God gave out rhythm
He sure was good to you
You can add, subtract, multiply and divide
By two
And I did not buy no rose
But I wrote this song instead and I call it
"Popsicle Toes" Popsicle toes
Popsicle toes are always froze
Popsicle toes
You're so brave to expose all those popsicle toes You must have been Miss Pennsylvania
With all this pulchritude
How come you always load your Pentax
When I'm in the nude? You got the nicest North America
This sailor ever saw
I'd like to feel your warm Brazil
And touch your Panama But your Tierra del Fuegos
Are nearly always froze
We gotta see saw
Until we unthaw those Popsicle toes Popsicle toes
Popsicle toes are always froze
Popsicle toes
You're so brave to expose all those popsicle toes
“Popsicle Toes”—Michael Franks
