10. Love your outfit, it really brings out your eyes.
9. Does your mother know you're out late?
8. Come on man, this is our class project for Poly Sci.
7. I love it when you talk dirty.
6. Dude, can you spare a donut?
5. We're the Rec Department. Check out our new tents.
4. You know, they have a cure for bad breath.
3. What's your favorite position?
2. Weren't you the guy who kissed Marjorie Taylor Greene on the lips?
1. And the worst thing to say to a cop at a riot: Is that a big stick or are you just glad to see me?
Gov. DeSantis Bans Lab Meat, Intestinal Fortitude
“We will save our beef,” declared Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, regarding meat grown in laboratories. But saving face? Well, that's another story.
In Florida they like to ban stuff—books, abortions, back bone. The petri dish beef ban comes on the heels of DeSantis' come-to-Jesus meeting with former President Donald Trump, where the governor demonstrated he still has a taste for buttocks—real buttocks, real big buttocks. DeSantis even told supporters he is willing to help fundraise for Trump, when he isn't busy kissing The Donald's hammies.
“It’s true that Trump doesn’t forgive easily—but he does love when people show remorse for what he views as disloyalty,” said columnist Hayes Brown. “Especially when that groveling comes with dollar signs attached to it.”
DeSantis joins a long list of Republicans who have surrendered to the “Man Who Would Be King”: Sens. Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Tim Scott ... the list goes on and on. Trump makes Republicans do what he wants by threatening and bullying, and those who cross him pay with humiliation—they must praise him as the Second Coming. The only defense is honesty and integrity—oops, looks like the Republicans banned that, too. Bummer.
Biden Should Shoot His Dog
If you've been hiding out at the animal shelter, you may not know that Kristi Noem—the South Dakota governor who was on the short list to be Donald Trump's running mate—bragged in her new memoir, No Going Back, that she shot her 14-month-old dog, Cricket, because he wasn't any good at pheasant hunting. He also killed some chickens.
“I hated that dog,” she wrote. No Wilson, we are not making this up.
She caught a bunch of grief from the liberal lame-stream media, with such headlines as: “Noem shoots dog, commits political suicide.” Kinda catchy.
So the ranch-girl governor doubled down on CBS's “Face the Nation,” saying President Joe Biden's dog should be shot, too, for biting Secret Service agents. He then could meet her puppy in Dog Heaven: “Commander, say hello to Cricket for me.” Haha. What a sense of humor.
Some pundits suggest she included the ugly scene in her book to impress Trump with her toughness. Noem also noted putting down three horses, promising “more real, honest and politically incorrect stories that’ll have the media gasping.”
Yes, Wilson, she got that part right. But the puppy-killer gambit may have backfired. Even MAGA celebs Don Jr. and Steve Bannon thought it was a little too base. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Postscript—That's a wrap for another lovely week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of who's using public restrooms so you don't have to. Under a new Utah law, people can rat out anyone using a restroom that does not reflect their sex at birth (read: trans people). They can report violations on the so-called “hotline complaint form.” Offenders could be charged with criminal trespass and fined $10,000 per violation.
Continuing with the Big Brother theme: In a TIME magazine interview, Donald Trump said he would not prevent states from passing and enforcing laws allowing monitoring of people's pregnancies to make sure no one gets an illegal abortion. The legislation would require pregnant women to submit to regular government exams. And you thought car inspections were intrusive.
That brings us to “Abortion Tourism,” the cute expression coined by anti-abortion activists for women having to travel long distances to receive medical care—as if reproductive healthcare is some kind of a luxury vacation. Try and come up with a pithy punchline for that. Ugh.
Young people are protesting on college campuses across the nation. But the authorities don't like it. They say the First Amendment is sacred, unless you've got tents. Cops in riot gear break up peaceful protests and say no free speech when there's violence. So wake up the band, Wilson, and take us out with an anthem for the times:
Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
And where have you been, my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall
Oh, what did you meet, my blue-eyed son?
Who did you meet, my darling young one?
I met a young child beside a dead pony
I met a white man who walked a black dog
I met a young woman whose body was burning
I met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow
I met one man who was wounded in love
I met another man who was wounded in hatred
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall
And what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
And what'll you do now, my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin'
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest dark forest
Where the people are many and their hands are all empty
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison
And the executioner's face is always well hidden
And I'll tell and speak it and think it and breathe it
And reflect from the mountain so all souls can see it
And I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'
But I'll know my song well before I start singin'
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.
“It's A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall”—Bob Dylan
