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True TV | A True TV Christmas: The annual (lazy) cartoon column.

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Burn After Reading
n Dumb gym monkeys (Brad Pitt, Frances McDormand) attempt to extort money for misplaced CIA files; hilarity and George Clooney’s beard ensue. It’s like the Coen Brothers’ other film, The Big Lebowski. Only not. (Dec. 21; NBCUni.com)
Death Race
n Like in the ’70s original, prisoners race cars and get killed for the amusement of wardens and TV viewers. Unlike the original, there’s no lame crap like subplots and character development—just speed, babes and violence! (Dec. 21; NBCUni.com)
Hamlet 2
n A Tucson high-school drama teacher (Steve Coogan) stages a musical sequel to the Shakespearean classic, with a time machine and the hit single “Rock Me, Sexy Jesus.” More plausible than High School Musical. (Dec. 21; NBCUni.com)
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Naughty School Girls
n Four Peach University coeds (Erin Avery, Jana Jordan, Cindy Pucci and Isabella Sky) battle to become Head of the Class. It’s just like Mr. Holland’s Opus, only with more plaid skirts and lesbian catfights. (Dec. 23; PeachDVD.com)

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Pulse 3
n “A decade after the terrifying events of Pulse 2, the dead still walk the earth and …” Hold up! There was a Pulse 2? Without Kristen Bell? Does this mean that Steve Coogan will stage a musical version of Pulse 4? (Dec. 23; WeinsteinCo.com)
Savage Grace
n Just in time for the holidays: Julianne Moore stars in the true story of a despicable rich couple who also, conveniently, despise each other. There’s also greed, incest, murder and fabulous clothes—the perfect stocking stuffer! (Dec. 23; IFC.com)
nListen to Bill Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96’s Radio From Hell. Sexy Jesus rock at BillFrost.tv. Even more True TV linkage at MySpace.com/TrueTV and on Facebook.
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