Post-Strike Returns: The first episode back for Tina Fey’s 30 Rock after an eternity off? “MILF Island,” about a faux reality show that’s become a huge hit for NBC—now that’s funny! Everybody knows NBC has no hits. On The Office, Pam and Jim are finally coerced into dinner with Michael and Jan at the condo, joined by Angela and … Andy? Dwight, understandably, takes this as well as I took the news that Karen was leaving The Office for that shitty Fox sitcom Unhitched (which is now dead—bring back Karen!).
Battlestar Galactica Fridays (Sci-Fi)
Last week, Battlestar Galactica kicked off its fourth and final season with the mysterious return of Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, who claims to now know the way to Earth despite everyone’s doubts—you know, because she may be dead and/or a Cylon. Meanwhile, Gaius Baltar was beginning his rise as a minor-league cult leader (and finally got a haircut, eliminating him from the running to become the third member of Flight of the Conchords), and the four newly revealed Cylon skin-jobs were freaking out (learning you’ve always been an evil robot only comes easily to Republicans, apparently). This week, Starbuck’s “You’re going the wrong way, motherfrakkers!” rantings get her tossed in lockdown; the similar rantings of TV critics to cable viewers will be less effective (“Quit watching The Hills and check this out, frakheads!”). Still, to quote Dwight of the aforementioned Office, “Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot.”
Desperate Housewives Sunday, April 13 (ABC)
Post-Strike Return: I haven’t followed Desperate Housewives for so long that, when I accidentally ran across a rerun on Lifetime recently, I thought to myself, “Well, it’s about damned time someone produced a drag-queen drama—bravo! And yet it’s not even on Bravo …”
Rock of Love Sunday, April 13 (VH1)
Season Finale: Even Bret Michaels seems over it at this point—sure, you can phone it in onstage in Wichita during your 18,747th performance of “Talk Dirty to Me,” but reality TV never lies! Unsubstantiated rumor (always the best kind) has it that the neck-less rocker wanted to quit halfway through Rock of Love 2 so he could devote his full unskinny bop to Episode 8 castoff Krazy, er, Kristy Jo. VH1 brought up the whole “contract” thing, so Bret said, “Fine, I’ll stay on the show and continue to fuck these other skanks—but I’m not going to like it!” What a trooper. The Only TV Column That Matters™ predicts cartoon stripper Daisy will win, get dumped before the RL2 “reunion” show and then tour bars across the country doing donkey shows with Season 1’s Jes. Next on VH1: 10 CCs of Love With C.C. DeVille.
Bones Monday, April 14 (Fox)
Post-Strike Return: Booth and Brennan’s playful banter and subliminal sexual tension are put to the ultimate test when they discover the bodies of the cast of The Return of Jezebel James in a Dumpster in the alley behind Fox.
Rules of Engagement Monday, April 14 (CBS)
Post-Strike Return: Less a sitcom than a series of one-liners strung together by the barest minimum of a plot (actually, that is a traditional sitcom—never mind), Rules of Engagement exists solely on the Ren & Stimpy interplay of David Spade (the little snarky one) and Patrick Warburton (the hulking deadpan one); Bianca Kajlich (the hot brunette), Oliver Hudson (her himbo husband) and Megyn Price (Mrs. Deadpan Hulk) are merely props in Standard Comedy Theater (tonight’s “plot” device: the timeshare condo). Thus ends the most unnecessarily in-depth Rules of Engagement analysis ever.
Corporate Affairs An office drone (Breckin Meyer) falls into the world of business trips and hookers. So it’s a motivational film. AnchorBayEntertainment.com
Juno A wisecracking teen (Ellen Page) learns her “eggo is preggo,” then finds adoptive yuppie parents and True Dork Love. Oh, silencio! FoxHome.com
A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila Thirty-two idiots fall in love with a lifeless sex doll (Tila Tequila) who makes Bret Michaels seem like a real catch. Here comes Season 2! MTV.com
More New DVD Releases (April 15) Alien vs. Predator: Requiem, American Dad: Vol. 3, In the Name of the King, Melrose Place: Season 4
Think Bret Michaels’ suitors are made to seem like insane ho-bags through malicious editing? Going by the (mostly) uncensored outtakes/extras on VH1.com, the producers are working overtime to make them look good. Even better are the glimpses behind the “reality” camera (like Bret rehearsing his “spontaneous” buh-bye speeches) and Big John wearing … Bret’s eyeliner?
Listen to Bill Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96’s Radio From Hell. Psycho eyeliner blogging at BillFrost.tv.