President Donald Trump can joke about sex assaults. But, it doesn't seem to matter. He can lie about health care. It doesn't matter. He can prevaricate about blackmailing the president of Ukraine. Doesn't matter. But when the college football season is canceled due to his mishandling of the COVID-19 pandemic—well, that's just too much. The PAC-12 and Big Ten have locked up their stadiums for the season—including Rice-Eccles at the University of Utah—and fans are livid. Football lovers in the Midwest are beside themselves, too, in the battleground states of Ohio, Michigan and Pennsylvania and the others in the Big Ten. This matters. Exactly what are people going to do in Columbus when the Ohio State Buckeyes aren't on the gridiron this autumn? They'll spend Saturdays cursing Trump and wondering, what if? The rest of the Power Five conferences—the SEC, ACC and Big 12—have yet to throw in the towel. But the NCAA has warned them that "they are playing with fire." When they do call it off, imagine what will happen across the South in places like Tuscaloosa, Alabama, when the Crimson Tide doesn't roll. Down there, football is religion and blasphemers are burned at the stake. Let's see Trump try to punt on this one.
Why Mike Pence wants to debate Kamala Harris in Utah
1. He loves green Jell-O with little marshmallows in it.
2. There is no Democratic Party here.
3. Lawmakers in Zion never drink alcohol or hot-tub with young girls.
4. Polls show Utahns love Trump more than Romney.
5. Kamala Harris can't hold the LDS Priesthood.
6. Masks are unconstitutional in Utah County and cause for stoning.
7. Men make the decisions behind closed doors at church and at the Legislature.
8. The Tabernacle Choir provides the soundtrack for life: "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam."
9. Utah women wear pioneer dresses and have that swirly Liberace hair.
10. It's one of the few places left where, like him, some men still call their wives, "mother."
Facism? Nah, We're Just Fixing the Postal System
So, like, what is all the handwringing about just because the president and his little helper are streamlining the U.S. Postal Service? Not to worry, nobody is gonna mess with the election. It's just a coincidence that it's happening right now. President Trump is just trying to save this country from becoming "the laughing stock of the world"—so he's asked one of his mega-fundraisers and new Postmaster General, Louis DeJoy, to help by removing mail-sorting machines and mailboxes and eliminating overtime for postal workers, so the mail will be more efficient and stack up at the post office. Old people worry because their medications through Express Scripts aren't arriving on time. But do they really need all those pills? Look, if the Postal Service is fully funded, then states will want to use the mail for voting so people won't contract COVID-19 by casting ballots in person. But if the USPS does not get funded, then the largest fraud ever in history will be thwarted and Trump will win reelection. And really, in the end, how important is the Postal Service, anyway—or voting, for that matter?
Postscript—Well mask-wearers, we live in scary times. You've heard of affirmative action: that's where minorities get everything and white people get the shaft. If Kamala Harris is elected, only people of a certain color—and it ain't white—will get vaccinated against COVID-19. That's what Tucker Carlson told his millions-strong audience of patriots on Fox News. And if Joe Biden is elected, he will move the inner-city slums filled with minorities into your suburban neighborhood. President Trump said so.
Of course, some, like Wilson and the band, fear suburbia will come to the city, but that's another matter altogether.
One-time Republican strategist and media consultant Stuart Stevens explains in his new book, It Was All a Lie, that the Republican Party is now not much more than The Party of White Grievance. "[Trump] is the logical conclusion of what the Republican Party became over the last 50 or so years," Stevens writes, "a natural product of the seeds of race, self-deception, and anger. ... " And by the way, did you know that Black Lives Matter is a global communist plot by pedophiles who drink the blood of their victims? Oh yeah, and they're zombies, too.
OK Wilson, get the guys out the bar and ask them to give us a little Elvis for our sojourn through Zombieland to the post office:
You better not mess with the U.S. Male, my friend
The U.S. Male gets mad, he's gonna do you in
You know what's good for yourself, son
You better find somebody else, son
Don't tamper with the property of the U.S. Male
—"U.S. Male"—Elvis Presley