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News » Deep End

Tweet Nothings

Twitter addict Jon Huntsman @ Republican debate



If you happened to tune in to the latest Republican presidential debate in Sioux City, Iowa, you might have noticed that Utah’s own Jon Huntsman Jr. seemed to be engaged in some nondebate activity up there behind his lectern during the periods when he wasn’t answering one of the rare questions tossed his way. Only if you were a loyal follower of his tweets (Jon Huntsman Jr. @ Jumpin’JonFlash) would you have known that our former governor was tweeting furiously during his downtime.

We have compiled a representative list of Huntsman’s tweets, and if you are like me, you will be struck by the poignant glimpse into the candidate’s inner feelings. He has come late to the practice of tweeting—he is a single-digit practitioner, having early abandoned the conventional double-thumb technique—and occasionally goes overboard on the tweeting lingo. Huntsman’s tweets start minutes before Fox debate host Bret Baer introduces the candidates

8:59 p.m. Hey tweeps, it’s hot as H E double hockey sticks up here. And the TV lights! Like being interrogated by the Chinese Commies.

9:02 p.m. Megan something or other, the Foxy Fox Twabe, keeps looking my way. She just twinked at me! Hope Mary Kay didn’t catch it. #FoxyFox.

9:07 p.m. Mit (the Twit) gets an easy question. Even from way out here on the end (Omg, I’m in outer Mongolia!) I can see Twillard sweating like a can of Coors on the 24th of July.

9:14 p.m. Finally get a question, but right when I’m getting to the meat of my prepared answer, Twet Baer butts in and says I’ve been dinged. I get no respect. I think he hates me. But the Foxy Twabe winks at me again.

9:16 p.m. Love this twitter tweet deal. wOOt! Kinda like Chinese ideograms. It’s like I’m invisible up here. Might as well keep tweeting.

9:21 p.m. IMHO that Perry dude is a twidiot. WTF is a Tebow? Does he mean Twebow? Expect Twick to f**k up again. #TwickPwerry.

9:25 p.m. Finally a question abt China. But they dinged (or tooted) me just as I was getting to the juicy part of my argument about the decline of textiles during the Teng dynasty. Baer is a twompous twass.

9:30 p.m. Twewt and Twichelle really getting into it now on this Freddie Mac business. Does anyone know anything about Freddie Mac? Who TF cares? During the commercial break Twewt calls Twichelle a twucking twitch. #Twewt

9:33 p.m. Twewt and Twichelle still at it. Almost came to blows. She got in his face (cdn’t get too close because of his twubby twelly) and called him a bloated twurd head. #Twichelle

9:39 p.m. I really like Ron Paul, but h the h is he doing better than me in the polls? He reminds me of Mr. Grandy my high school shop teacher. I still have the door stop I made, but he gave me a C . #RonPaul.

9:41 p.m. Remember how Ron Paul got punked by Bruno in that hotel room? “Get away from me you tweer!” LOL. Mary Kay and I watch that every Xmas with the kids. #RonPaul.

9:43 p.m. Santorum abt as frustr8ed as me. U always know when he is around by the smell of Aqua Velva. We call him the Aqua Velva Man. Do U twids remember that distinctive blue bottle? #AquaVelva

9:44 p.m. Twichelle B. is right. Twewt is not just a twerk, he’s a twouche.

9:47 p.m. Drank too much diet Dr. Pepper before the dbate. Hope I don’t twet my pnts.

9:50 p.m. Thank the Lord. At the moment twitterlooing. Almost dropped the phone in the URinAll when Twmit unzipped right next to me.

9:52 p.m. Almost positive the Foxtwabe is attwacted to me. Staring at my cwotch. #FoxyFox

9:53 p.m. Twewt a lot nicer F2F than on stage, where he weally is an egotwistical twouche.

9:55 p.m. Got a tweet from a tweep in China saying I look like Ryan Seacrest. I DON’T THINK SO! But we all look alike to them.

9:56 p.m. I really miss the Herman8or. These dbates not as much fun since he got his hand caught in someone’s cookie jar. He woz my fave.

9:58 p.m. Twoops! Foxy twabe was looking at my cwotch because my fly was open. Oh, well. Nobody else noticed.

10:01 p.m. These dbates really suck. I should have accepted Donald Twump’s invitation to come to his tweebate.