Eight new changes for the Twinkie, returning to stores July 15:
8. Mascot Twinkie the Kid has been updated to Twinkie the Morbidly Obese Teen.
7. Infused Twinkies to be introduced: Starbucks Mocha, Red Bull, Doritos and Slim Jims.
6. Twinkies will also be available in crouton-size for sprinkling on salads.
5. Smirnoff’s new Twinkie-flavored vodka will be released simultaneously—ask for it at your local State Liquor Store.
4. The shelf life of Twinkies has been extended from 26 days to “at least a few weeks after Obama tanks the country.”
3. The golden sponge cake is now made from recycled couch cushions, thus better for the environment.
2. For a limited time, Twinkie 10-packs will come with a free ounce of Pineapple Express (California, Colorado, Nevada and Oregon only).
1. Twin-packs will come with a free copy of Jay-Z’s new album—whether you want it or not.
