Eight important stories your local TV news will have for you after the break:

8. “Which of our reporters is being fired tomorrow? The answer may surprise you, and Karen.”

7. “In sports: Utah Jazz fans brace for another season of despondency, disillusionment and other words they can’t spell.”

6. “A special report: What every homeowner should know about atomically radiated SuperTermites.”

5. “Update: The dangers of unsubstantiated blogs about ‘SuperTermites’—one reporter’s tale.”

4. “Coming up, the Coupon Lady shows you how to clip little pieces of paper to save money. It’s called a coupon, geniuses!”

3. “Is there a registered Democrat in your neighborhood? We’ll warn you, after this.”

2. “Just log onto our Website for more details; we’re going out for a smoke.”

1. “Are local newspapers dumbing-down content to idiotic numbered lists? Tune in at 10.”