JANUARY
Adding to an already cold, wet and miserable January, northern Utah was hit with several “upside-down” snowstorms, which means:
A. More snow in the valleys than in the mountains, making for a lower-than-normal snowpack.
B. It’s the perfect time for your city to contract with a new, untested snow-removal service.
C. Get out there and drive like a lunatic, because we all know Target won’t be open tomorrow.
D. It’ll be a week or so before you can go back to whining about the inversion.
The Advocate magazine released its annual list of “Gayest Cities in America,” and Salt Lake City slipped from its previous No. 1 spot down to sixth place. The reason for the drop was:
A. Mostly political; Salt Lake City’s shortage of (out) elected officials and Utah’s overall heck-no stance on gay marriage being the major factors.
B. Escalated local fiscal-year sales of Axe body spray and “Truck Nutz.”
C. The editors learned that the “Sugar Hole” at 1300 East and 2100 South was just an empty lot, not a popular gay bar.
D. In regard to that “heck-no” stance on gay marriage, we’ll see you back at No. 1 in 2014, Advocate.
Former teen pop idol (or is he still a thing?) Justin Bieber played a sold-out concert at EnergySolutions Arena for thousands of squealing girls, hundreds of begrudging parents and a few unlucky media reviewers. The consensus on the show was:
A. Bieber delivered a high-energy, flashy concert that pleased his fans.
B. God is dead. And deaf.
C. The local daily newspaper got to use the word “Beliebers” in an article, thus securing reporters’ jobs for another month.
D. EnergySolutions Arena doesn’t make every concert sound worse.
The Sutherland Institute called for the state of Utah to cut ties with the Sundance Film Festival and its millions in revenue because of movies that promote “sexual promiscuity,” “obscenity” and “pornography” to The Children, at least according to plot synopses of films they haven’t actually seen. Sundance founder Robert Redford’s response was:
A. “Sometimes the narrowest mind barks the loudest.”
B. “Who the hell is buying their kids Sundance passes?”
C. “What’s the Sutherland Institute? Some kind of special-ed school? God bless ’em.”
D. “Go see All Is Lost when it comes out later this year—you’ll love it.”
FEBRUARY
The Salt Lake City Police Department launched a new real-time website that displays calls to which officers have responded, and locations, going back 48 hours. The purpose of the site is:
A. To promote transparency between the SLCPD and the public, as well as show how many calls the police have to deal with every day.
B. To replace the antiquated police scanner with an exciting new waste of time for shut-in civilians.
C. To drop in the occasional fake “NUKE BOMB THREAT” or “STANDOFF W/ MASKED BAT-LIKE VIGILANTE” post just for kicks.
D. To constantly remind you that moving to South Salt Lake was a terrible idea.
A survey by social-networking site Foursquare determined that Salt Lake City is among the “least-romantic” cities in the country, based on check-ins at locations like flower shops, French restaurants and lingerie boutiques. The takeaway:
A. Social-network check-ins are a fun, if not wholly accurate, way to gauge behavior.
B. This “Foursquare” existed as recently as Valentine’s Day 2013.
C. A local Grindr romance survey, however, tells a very different story.
D. Your girlfriend was right. Again.
Utah Rep. Brian Greene, R-Pleasant Grove, introduced House Bill 114, which would allow Utah’s existing gun laws to take precedence over any new federal legislation on guns, regardless of what the U.S. Constitution says. Greene’s reasoning for the bill was:
A. Utahns should retain their right to keep and bear arms.
B. Or: We need guns to protect ourselves from the nutjobs who have guns, duh.
C. “Barack Hussein Obama isn’t even a U.S. citizen, so … there. I believe I’ve made my point.”
D. “Hey, look—I’m on the news on the TV box!”
MARCH
After 12 years in existence (and on the eve of downtown competitor City Creek Center’s one-year anniversary), The Gateway announced a $2 million renovation project with a focus on becoming more of a “community gathering spot” than a bland, beige, open-air shopping mall. Real-estate specialists believed The Gateway could bounce back after losing tenants and customers to City Creek because:
A. Its concentration of restaurants, the Megaplex 12 movie theater, Discovery Gateway Children’s Museum, Clark Planetarium and the Urban Arts Gallery, as well as being open on Sundays, sets The Gateway apart as more of an “entertainment district.”
B. Open-air malls in SLC’s alternately freezing cold/sweltering hot climate are still a fantastic idea.
C. It’s much easier to buy drugs at The Gateway.
D. Tried bathing your kids in City Creek’s fountain? Pain in the ass.
Sparking criticism after a winter of terrible air quality, the Utah Division of Oil, Gas & Mining sponsored an Earth Day poster contest for elementary-school kids with the theme “Where would we be without oil, gas and mining?” UDOGM (you dog ’em?)’s reasoning was:
A. Coal, oil and natural gas provide the majority of the energy used for heat, light and electricity; the theme was about the benefits, not the environmental impact.
B. “This is what you come after us for? Ha!”
C. Wait until you see their “Wacky for Fracking!” contest.
D. You can hold your own “Sunshine Is Awesome” contest at a solar-powered school … no, wait, you can’t, can you, hippie?
APRIL
Salt Lake City launched the GreenBike bicycle-sharing program at 10 locations in the downtown area, allowing would-be cyclists to pay between $5 and $15 (or an annual $75) for use of the rides for a day or week. The GreenBike is a great way to:
A. Try out downtown bicycling without the bike-ownership commitment.
B. Find out more about yourself and your weird “commitment” issues.
C. Learn that “bicycle-sharing” sounds nicer than “bicycle-renting from local government.”
D. Land that sweet Jimmy John’s delivery job that was previously out of your grasp.
MAY
Utah Shooting Sports Council chairman and guns-rights advocate Clark Aposhian was arrested on domestic-violence charges on Memorial Day after driving his army-surplus truck onto his ex-wife’s property, blowing an air horn and threatening to “end” her and her current husband. The case is still in court; if convicted, Aposhian could have:
A. His chairmanship rescinded.
B. His concealed-carry instructor’s license revoked.
C. His 300 firearms confiscated.
D. A reality show.
JUNE
The first Utah Dunkin’ Donuts opened in downtown Salt Lake City, setting off public and media frenzies not seen since the last opening of a national chain outlet. The most-anticipated offerings at Dunkin’ Donuts were:
A. Donuts, coffee, sandwiches and other items that have been readily available locally forever under, apparently, the wrong brand name.
B. A fleeting replacement for the sweet, sweet rush since worn off from Trader Joe’s.
C. Whatever there is to Dunk—there’s Dunkin’ to be had! Dunk! Dunk! Dunk!
D. A better class of sidewalk prostitutes.
A UtahsRight.com report showed that statewide drunken-driving convictions declined after liquor laws were loosened and private-club memberships were discontinued in 2008, despite warnings at the time from Mothers Against Drunk Drivers that the number would go up. The possible reason for the decline:
A. Treat people more like adults and they’ll act more like adults.
B. Since the numbers actually increased in Salt Lake City, our party-animal status remains intact—woo-hoo!
C. More Utahns are choosing to drink at home. Or at their neighbor’s unlicensed garage bar.
D. This report was obviously compiled by the Liberal Media, who are all drunks.
At the 2013 Miss USA Pageant, Miss Utah Marissa Powell was asked during the always-problematic Q&A portion of the program about occupational pay discrepancies between men and women, to which she gave a rambling, incoherent answer that ended with how “we need to create education better.” Powell’s intended point probably was:
A. Better education would lead to higher-quality jobs and more pay for women and men alike.
B. “I waxed every inch of my body for this, now you want me to talk, too?”
C. A woman’s earning potential is directly proportional to that of the NBA player she hooks up with after the pageant.
D. “Look at me, now look at you. Who’s going to come out just fine here, Internet nerds?”
JULY
On the first day of what would become one of the hottest Utah Julys on record, downtown Salt Lake City’s new high-tech/low-convenience parking-meter system went down, resulting in free parking for a week until the blue towers could be brought back online. The partially solar-powered meters stopped working because:
A. Extreme temperatures overheated the circuit boards.
B. An activist hacker who could have taken down the NSA decided, “Naw, I’m going after the Salt Lake Parking Gestapo!”
C. The meters are wired in parallel to those “Push to Cross Street” buttons, which are connected to nothing. They’re a filthy lie.
D. The Utah Division of Oil, Gas & Mining was right: The sun is evil.
Honest Tea beverage company set up a kiosk at The Gateway, offering its beverages for $1 on the honor system; thirsty locals were found to be 88 percent “honest,” down from Salt Lake City’s 100 percent ranking in an identical experiment in 2012. This unscientific exercise proved that:
A. Utahns are still fairly trustworthy.
B. Local media will jump on any corporate press release put in front of them.
C. Competitor Nas-Tea really needs to step up its marketing.
D. There were actually people at The Gateway at some point in July.
AUGUST
A Sandy man was charged with running a neighborhood bar out of his garage without a license. No prior trouble or incidents were reported, but he was turned in anyway by concerned citizens who were only looking out for the welfare of:
A. The Children. It’s always about The Children.
B. The dangerously low profit margins of the local State Liquor Store.
C. The unlicensed casino/strip club/pharmacy they run in their own garage.
D. Lovable town drunk Otis.
A week after collapsing on the street in downtown Salt Lake City while pulling a passenger carriage in the summer heat, Jerry the horse died—despite reports from the carriage company that “he’s fine, just fine.” The death drew outrage from:
A. PETA—and some sane groups as well.
B. Ikea, who followed up with, “So … are you going to use that?”
C. Romantics who were really looking forward to riding around in a slow, uncomfortable open carriage in subzero temperatures during the holidays.
D. Gary, Jerry’s long-time “friend” with whom he shared a tony west-side horse condo. Strictly platonic.
Park City was named “Best Town in America” by Outside magazine, thanks to:
A. Its “small-town friendliness, absurdly easy access and five-star culture,” according to Outside.
B. “Bribery—these goddamned Richie Riches are loaded; their yoga-pants trophy wives pulling their goddamned dogs and perfect 2.5 kids in here every morning for their goddamned half-caf soy-Splenda hazelnut mocha with a caramel drizzle,” according to a local barista. “But nice folks.”
C. A local service industry that knows its place.
D. Runner-up Greenville, S.C., sucking so hard. Way to suck, Greenville!
A mystery man left tips totaling $7,000 at two Ogden bars and a golf course, leading to speculation that the generous patron was:
A. Billionaire Richard Branson, who did happen to be in the area that week.
B. Bruce Wayne, who is a fictional character.
C. Tony Stark—also a fictional character, but far more likely to be hanging out in Ogden.
D. Drunk.
SEPTEMBER
Noted Kardashian accessory and marginal rapper Kanye West canceled his previously scheduled November Salt Lake City tour date at EnergySolutions Arena and picked up dates in other cities (an Anaheim stop replaced his SLC concert). The reason Yeezus pulled out:
A. Ticket pre-sales were light, and it was financially prudent for West to cancel the date in favor of a better-selling alternative.
B. He’s recently learned the value of pulling out.
C. This town isn’t big enough for two all-knowing prophets.
D. Anaheim has a Jack in the Box. Deal with it.
The first-ever Salt Lake Comic Con drew more than 72,000 attendees, shattering Salt Palace attendance records (and national first-time con records) over three days and attracting high-profile last-minute guests like Marvel Comics founder Stan Lee. The reason the event went over so big:
A. Demand for a full-scale comic con has been building in Utah for years and, with geek culture now a mainstream fixture, the timing was right.
B. Fine—because you mentioned it on your podcast. Happy now?
C. Utahns have long been conditioned to gather and worship imaginary beings with superpowers.
D. Everybody needed something to do after Kanye canceled.
The Salt Lake Tribune laid off 19 employees and retired two editors as a part of a “historic restructuring of operations.” Weeks earlier, it was revealed that an intern and guest “journalists” at former newspaper the Deseret News had plagiarized (or, “aggregated without attribution,” sounds nicer) on several occasions. The takeaway on the state of local newspapers was:
A. Times are tough in the business, and everyone has to work more diligently and make do with less.
B. You know, like weeklies have had to do since their inception, fat cats.
C. Seriously, City Weekly is free—why are you even bothering with those guys?
D. Did I mention that, in addition to cranking out this feature, I had to edit the City Weekly website, run all of the various social media, write a couple of other columns, tune up the delivery vans, vacuum the office and take out the trash? Just sayin’.
OCTOBER
In a video posted to Facebook, Utah Boy Scout leader Glenn Taylor was shown knocking over a 170-million-year-old rock formation in Goblin Valley State Park, saying it was unsteady and could have fallen on someone if he hadn’t performed the “civic service.” He later received death threats and may have faced criminal charges. The lesson learned from the incident was:
A. Destruction of natural formations is a serious matter.
B. If you want to keep a video from haters, post it on Google+ where no one will see it.
C. They’ll let any wheezing fat-ass be a Boy Scout leader.
D. The Earth is older than 6,000 years? Yeah, right.
Sen. Mike Lee said he would donate a portion of his salary to charity during the government shutdown he was essentially leading—after telling KUTV 2’s Chris Jones that he’d be keeping all of his pay, because “I’m working.” After the KUTV story was picked up by Buzzfeed, Lee’s people demanded a “retraction” for the “wrong” story, despite recorded evidence to the contrary. The truth likely was:
A. Lee misspoke, then tried to overcorrect his position through handlers.
B. He really is the complete dumbass you thought he was all along.
C. Never trust Buzzfeed. Ever.
D. Lee ended the interview with an abrupt “I have to return some videotapes …”
NOVEMBER
After being dogged by accusations of wrongdoing since he was sworn into office in January, Utah Attorney General John Swallow finally resigned, still claiming innocence. The case against Swallow would only get worse in December, with scads of e-mails and electronic data going missing and seemingly replaced with new, fabricated information. The only logical explanation for all of the mounting drama surrounding Swallow was:
A. He’s guilty.
B. He’s not innocent.
C. He’s lying.
D. The local Liberal Media is just on a witchhunt for a Mormon Republican.
Engineers at Brigham Young University made strides against the problem of urine splashback for males at toilet bowls and urinals; their conclusion, after studying the “physical mechanisms of fluid behaviors,” was that the one surefire solution for men is:
A. To sit down and pee.
B. To only urinate outdoors, as nature intended.
C. A new invention called the WeinerCone®, and you can get in on the ground floor of this “golden” opportunity with just a nominal investment.
D. To move on and pretend we never discussed this.
DECEMBER
A U.S. District court judge issued a ruling that rendered parts of Utah’s polygamy laws unconstitutional, saying that the phrase “or cohabits with another person” violates the First and 14th amendments. This precedent-setting ruling:
A. Decriminalizes polygamy.
B. Is going to give us at least one more season of Sister Wives, as well as a late-night talk-show spin-off, Kickin’ It With Kody Brown.
C. Isn’t going to change your current wife’s mind, so forget it, buddy.
D. Is going to make for some very uncomfortable suburban block parties next summer.
City Weekly published its first-ever “Year-End Quiz,” a subtle variation on the “Year in Review” issue from previous Decembers, designed specifically to:
A. Serve as filler in what is typically the week with the lowest pick-up rate of the entire year.
B. Be the basis of a marathon pub quiz that we totally can make happen, if any sponsors are interested … anyone? Anyone?
C. Give you a break from Stephen Dark’s feel-good features. Coming in January: “The Satan-Worshipping Puppy-Killer Meth-heads of Kearns: A 12-Part Investigative Series.”
D. Enrapture readers with the author’s spellbinding prose and irresistible wit.
Answers: All A.
