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Utah Quiz for Smartish People

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



Ready for some fun? The Salt Lake Tribune recently published a readers' quiz called "Think You Know Utah?" asking questions such as: "Why did Mark Hofmann ruin reporter Peggy Stack's first day at the Tribune?"; and "What does A.G. Sean Reyes do under his desk every morning?" Well, it got the staff here at Smart Bomb to thinking that maybe we, too, should have a quiz. We'll call it, "Do You Get Zion?"

1. Where did the Utah Democratic Party get those Klingon cloaking devices?

2. Why did Rep. Burgess Owens bet his COVID Relief $$ that Nancy Pelosi is a lesbian?

3. Which donut shop in Provo is best to spot two polygamists at the same time?

4. What combinations of drugs does Gov. Spencer Cox take to remain so blissful?

5. Why did lawmakers' prayers to save the Hill Cumorah Pageant go unanswered?

6. What happens to LGBTQ students at BYU keggers?

7. Who warned LDS President Russell M. Nelson to never say, "Salamander?"

8. Why do some Democrats object to renaming Dixie State as Cotton Pickers U?

The answers will be posted on the door of the Utah Democratic Party if we ever find the place. Hey, Democrats, turn off those damned Klingon cloaking devices.

Written in Hell by the Devil Himself
Show us a good loser, and we'll show you a loser. Damn straight and Republicans know what they have to do since losing the White House and the Senate—make voting more difficult, er uh, that is, "restore public confidence in our elections." In recent weeks, Red State legislatures have put forth over 200 bills to restore confidence for Trumpish voters, including Arizona, Florida, Texas, Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin. Of course, Georgia led the way by making it illegal for black people to vote. "We'll cut Stacey Abrams off at the knees," said GOP operative Lauren Witzke. So, what do those damned FDR Democrats do in response? They invent HR1 and have the audacity to call it the "For the People Act of 2021," because it would expand voter registration, implement fair redistricting and restore The Voting Rights Act. Well, Utah's designated spokesman for righteous indignation, Sen. Mike Lee, wasn't having any of it. "This is a bill as if written in hell by the devil himself." You tell 'em, Mike. "It's an effort to ensure an institutional, revolutionary Democratic Party of sorts," he whined, "one that can remain in power for many decades to come." Those bastards. Let's all meet in D.C., attack the Capitol and take our country back from black people.

The Rush to Replace Rush
As Republicans begin fund-raising for a Rush Limbaugh Memorial in Washington, D.C., no one has yet to embrace the elephant in the room: Who will replace the greatest human being to ever prevaricate into a microphone? Like him or hate him, Rush was a giant who defined Republican core values for decades. In fact, some ultra-conservatives are thinking about something like Mount Rushmore with Rush and Newt Gingrich carved on a big rock cliff so that no one can ever forget how much red-blooded American white grievance they brought us. As Rush once said: "The NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons." And this: "Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women access to the mainstream of society." And this: "When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it's an invitation." Yes, it will be a challenge to replace him—false prophets don't come along every day. But hopefully a new grand wizard will soon appear because there is little time to waste as hate-radio audiences are aging quickly—averaging over age 65. Young, white people just aren't into hate as much as their parents and grandparents. What is this country coming to?

Postscript—OK sports fans, that about does it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of the GOP-QAnon merger, so you don't have to. Those convulsions you see are really that of a political party stretching in ghastly ways like a dividing amoeba pulling apart—or perhaps it's more akin to the female robot, Ava, in the film Ex Machina, eliminating her creator because, like Marjorie Taylor Greene, she wants to kill something. If you like melodrama with psychic violence, tune in as the Party of Trump slowly melts like the Wicked Witch of West after injecting disinfectant to kill coronavirus. Say goodbye to the Grand Old Party's chorus of small government and balanced budgets. The Trump base of white grievance isn't going anywhere soon but might become disquieted when Uncle Joe's COVID Relief package gets the economy humming like Mitch McConnell's Mercedes—or if they ever realize that cash donations to donaldjturmp.com are going to the Trump Organization's debt service and to keep the lights on at Mar-a-Lago. Of course, this news may come slowly to Utah and red states dominated by strange weather patterns and websites that create twisters and rabbit holes. But remember, Rome didn't burn in a day.

Well, shucks, Wilson, you and guys in the band have been awfully quiet. You're not all hungover, by any chance? Of course not. All right, but do you think you can pull it together and take us out with a little something for Mike Lee and his friend?

I lit out from Reno, I was trailed by 20 hounds
Didn't get to sleep last night 'till the morning came around.
Set out runnin' but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.
Ran into the devil, babe, he loaned me 20 bills
I spent the night in Utah in a cave up in the hills.
Set out runnin' but I take my time, a friend of the devil is a friend of mine,
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.

Got two reasons why I cry away each lonely night,
The first one's named Sweet Anne Marie, and she's my heart's delight.
The second one is prison, babe—the sheriff's on my trail,
And if he catches up with me, I'll spend my life in jail.

"Friend of the Devil"—Grateful Dead

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