Utah Yeti is an abominable name for a new NHL team. | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Utah Yeti is an abominable name for a new NHL team.

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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OK Wilson, you're not going to believe this but the proposed name for Utah's new NHL hockey franchise has been whittled down to six possibilities. One of them is “Utah Yeti.” For real.

Yeah, yeah, sure, we know—the band spotted one in the High Uintas when they were on a spiritual religious retreat with Steve Urquhart's “Shroomiversity,” that uses psilocybin as a sacrament. But we digress.

Here are the rest of the finalist names from the “fan voting” contest: Utah Blizzard; Utah Hockey Club; Utah Mammoth; Utah Outlaws and Utah Venom. OK, it's true that more than 10,000 years ago, mammoths roamed around Utah. But really? They're as synonymous with Utah lore as jackalopes. Outlaws? Venom? Huh?

Here are some of the names submitted by readers of Smart Bomb: Swarming Crickets; Stormin’ Mormons; Utah Missionaries; Skating Apostles; Ice Quorum; Salt Lake Salamanders; and Flying Saints. You gotta admit it Wilson, our readers' picks are way better.

It just goes to reinforce that old saw about too many cooks in the kitchen. Just look what happened when the NFL's Washington Redskins changed its name to Commanders. It's the Abilene Paradox—group think that yields a conclusion no one person would have selected. Yeti Shmeti.

The Ugly Beauty Contest
The best political sideshow this season is the beauty pageant that could crown the next GOP nominee for vice president, one heartbeat away from the leader of the free world with cardiovascular disease. Here are the finalists:

Florida Rep. Byron Donalds. Pros—he says that Jim Crow was good for Black families and could help Trump attract more White Nationalists. Cons—most voters spit up when they hear the words, “Jim Crow.”

Ohio Sen. J.D. Vance. Pros—he's a white dude from Appalachia and has that hillbilly thing goin'. Cons—he went to Harvard and he's suspicious. Can't trust him.

New York Rep. Elise Stefanik. Pros—She's smart, cunning and takes no prisoners. Cons—she's too smart and too cunning. Can't have a woman like that around.

Florida Sen. Marco Rubio. Pros—he's little with little hands and a little voice; he'll make Trump look good. Cons—Trump already owns Florida. Little Marco is still a waste of space.

South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott. Pros—he's an empty suit who won't stop saying he loves Trump. It's embarrassing but Trump likes it. Cons—he tries to kiss Trump all the time.

Former presidential hopeful Nikki Haley. Pros—none. Cons—she may try to poison him.

Gov. Cox and Mr. Hyde—The Case of the MAGA Serum
Here comes the tough talkin', gun slingin' Spencer Cox. What're you gonna do about it? Wait, what happened to our nice, little, farm-boy governor? You remember—the one who said we should all be nice to each other on account of we're all patriotic Americans. Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Wonder if it has anything to do with the upcoming Republican primary election.

Once upon a time, Cox urged legislators to be kind to LGBTQ folks because they're human, too. Then he signed the bathroom bill to police the toilets for trans people. Gov. Wunderkind once said homeless people should not go hungry or freeze to death. Now, he contends that it's time for those laggards to take responsibility for themselves.

There was a time when Gov. Smiley wanted young people to ready themselves as next-generation leaders. Then he applauded riot police for kicking the stuffing out of non-violent protesters at the University of Utah.

Well Wilson, maybe the Republican State Convention can provide some clues. The MAGAtes have taken over the Utah GOP and booed Cox, their party leader, as he took the stage at their recent convention. “Maybe you hate that I don’t hate enough,” he told the crowd. The Guv might have added, 'But I'm working on it.' Looks like he drank the serum, after all.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another fun-filled week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of the news all summer so you don't have to. Everybody needs a break from the news, too bad most Americans are on permanent news break. What're you gonna do, Wilson?

Here are a sample of headlines from the week that was: Phil Lyman called a Bears Ears land swap “gang rape”; Mike Lee wants to stop noncitizen immigrants from voting—but has no evidence they are; Biologist who discovers blonde moth with tiny genitals names new species after Donald Trump; Weber State to axe Black, Latino and other cultural centers to comply with new diversity law; Florida couple arrested for selling tickets to heaven; GOP overwhelmingly supports a Trump conspiracy theory, yet again; Republicans pitch tax cuts for corporations and the wealthy in 2025; Zoo separated 5 parrots after the birds were caught encouraging each other to swear at visitors; Caitlin Clark snubbed by Olympics; Arizona psychic hit by car says he never saw it coming; Bill Maher shocks audience with Trump prison-rape joke. No Wilson, we're not going to repeat the joke here—but you can find it if you dare read the news. Yikes!

Well shucks Wilson, no doubt about it now, summer is here. Time to slow down, watch some women's softball, eat watermelon and fire up the barbie—everything tastes better on the barbie, along with light beer on a nice warm day. OK Wilson, tell the guys in the band to put down their beer and take us outta here on a summer ride:

Groovin' on a summer afternoon
Really couldn't get away too soon
I can't imagine anything that's better
The world is ours whenever we're together
There ain't a place I'd like to be instead of

Movin' down a crowded avenue
Doin' anything we like to do
There's always lots of things that we can see
You can be anyone we like to be
All those happy people we could meet

Just groovin' on a summer afternoon
Really couldn't get away too soon
No, no, no, no

We'll keep on spending summer days this way
We're gonna talk and laugh our time away
I feel it coming closer day by day
Life would be ecstasy, you and me endlessly

Groovin' on a summer afternoon
Really couldn't get away too soon
No, no, no, no
Groovin', uh huh ...
“Groovin'”—The Young Rascals

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